The Bowdoin Orient

April 6, 2001
Volume CXXXII, Number 20

Angel Fist gets an A+++++

by SIMON MANGIARACINA - COLUMNIST

   Question: What do you get when you combine female kickboxing with excessive amounts of nudity, plus a little international intrigue to boot? Answer: A video masterpiece. Angel Fist by far and away exceeded my expectations and surpassed my strict standards of video quality. The box proudly announced, "If looks could kill, they wouldn't have to kick!" Now that is a mighty claim, and a shrewd observation at that, but could it hold true? Would kicking not be a necessary means of claiming a life if looks could indeed kill? Having seen the film, I must say that I am uncertain, but what I can say with the utmost certainty, is that a wet naked girl kicking the crap out of a posse of impolite terrorists (come on, she just stepped out of the shower!) is a beautiful thing.
   Angel Fist takes place in the Philippines, where a secret society known as the Death Brigade is planning to drive out the democracy-loving Americans by any means necessary. Unfortunately for them, Christi, an American kickboxing star, photographed their latest assassination hit. Unfortunately for Christi, the Death Brigade tracks her down and stabs her repeatedly.
   When Christi's older sister Cat Sassoon, a Los Angeles police officer, hears of her sibling's death, she immediately flies off to the Philippines to find some answers and kick some terrorist ass. Cat joins the female kickboxing circuit, quickly rising to be the top-ranking competitor. When she's not in the ring round-housing her opponents, she's in the shower, cooling off her hot body. And if she's not in the ring or in the shower, she's probably fending off sword-toting assassins.
   Things really heat-up when she meets Joey, or inexplicably, Alcatraz to his friends. He's a gambler with a heart of gold who wants to help Cat find her sister's killer as well as help her remove his pants. The set for Joey's apartment looks like it would be more appropriate for a film like Thighs Wide Open, but Cat doesn't seem to mind the stripped-down decor. Joey confides in his newfound flame that his dream is to own a sailboat and travel the world by sea. "So what's your dream?" he asks. "I don't really have one. All I want is to know who killed my sister." "I never had a brother or sister, so I never lost one. I don't know what it's like." Thank you Captain Redundancy. While working the kickboxing circuit, Cat discovers that the Death Brigade is operating from inside the karate league itself. When their cover is about to be blown, the Death Brigade captures one of Cat's teammates, demanding information. Information about what, I'm not sure, but that really is of no importance. They try to make her talk by pressing her bare chest against a large block of ice. But she is strong, and resourceful. "When was the last time you undid a bra?" she later asks a guard, who apparently hasn't undone a bra in a very long time. The guard unties her, unbuttons her shirt, and yes, undoes her bra. He is so stunned and perplexed by the sight her boobs, that she is able to kick him in the face. Now that's girl power.
   Meanwhile Cat is fighting for her life in the finals of the Kickboxing Championship. "Today will be your unlucky day!" her evil competitor growls before the match. The dialogue reads like fine poetry. All hell breaks loose when another assassination attempt is made at the karate tournament. Cat Sassoon doesn't hesitate for a second, and jumps out of the ring to kick the crap out of every terrorist in the joint. Soon enough, she and Alcatraz are sailing away into the sunset. The End. Whether or not she ever found her sister's killer, things were left a little unclear, but it sure was a wild ride.
   Angel Fist gets an A+++++ (that's pronounced "A" quintuple plus). This film shall forever remain a benchmark in straight-to-video quality. This is one of the few movies I've watched that truly delivered all that it promised, plus a little bit more. Join me here next week: Can you say Steve Guttenburg?