The Bowdoin Orient

April 6, 2001
Volume CXXXII, Number 20

The Tower: a fictional series

by SARAH RAMEY - COLUMNIST

   Here I sit, on the railing of Quinby House, observing the most interesting ritual at Bowdoin, the Campus Wide. Tonight's theme is quite ambiguous; it's just "Costume Party." This is dangerous, because now every girl has simply far too many different ways she can hooch it up for the night. And indeed, I believe that there are in fact too many options and so she is forced to revert to, "Guys, I have such a funny idea! I'm going to go as a hooker!" The number of times I have heard this is truly unsettling.
   First of all, it's really weird how this always seems to be a novel idea. And second of all, a hooker? A hooker. Guys, I am going as a hooker. I think it's a really good idea to go as a hooker. I'm sorry, but I cannot stress enough how funny I think this is. "I have a good idea, and that good idea is to be a whore." Ah yes, brilliance. Innovative and tactful.
   Anyways, back to the party. There go a bunch of freshman girls, who I guess are dressed as Reindeer…no, actually, no, on closer look, Reindeer Hos. Of course. Girls in very small red tops, red mini skirts, red heels and antlers. Another stroke of creative genius and- Uh oh, one of them was from my Pre-O. Where do I go? Stairway…too...crowded...must…escape. Oh NO.
   "Julianna!!! I-You-remember when we went kayaking? Ohhhhh kayaking!!!" she screams.
   "Oh. Laurie. Hello." My god, look at you. "Yes, I in fact do remember when we went kayaking." Six months is quite some time, understandable how it might have slipped my mind.
   "I am so embarrassed!" she says drunkenly staggering right up to my face.
   "You? No."
   "Look at my antlers! I have antlers, Julianna, antlers."
   "Oh, so you do." Yes, you also have on just a red sequined bra with matching stilettos. But if the antlers are what's getting you down, then the antlers will be what's getting me down, because I am your Pre-O leader, and I care about you.
   "Julianna, I have to tell you something. But it is a secret. So don't tell him."
   Oh no no no no no. Please don't ask me to set your Reindeer Ho-ass up. "I won't tell him." I should walk away right now. Just go, Julianna, she is very drunk, she won't even notice.
   "You're friends with Zed Fierce, right?"
   Blast it all! I knew this was going to happen. What do I say? "No."
   "Yes you are, I've seen you have dinner before."
   "Oh, Zed, yes of course. Thought you said 'Ted' and I mean, who is named 'Ted', really? That would have been really weird. But you said Zed, so I was wrong, not you. Silly me. Terribly sorry."
   I thought this kind of I'm A Psycho blather was going to have to keep falling out of my mouth until she lost interest, but luckily I was saved by the return of the rest of the red-sequined herd, who all gaped at my moccasin clad feet with a mix of disgust and wariness.
   "Laurie," said one. Perhaps this is Dancer? No no, definitely Prancer, "If you don't go talk to Zed Fierce right now, I am going to go instead."
   Ah, true friendship.
   "Well, Claudia, I was going to-but if you want to-it's not a big deal, I-"
   Sweet Jesus. Here is my chance to walk away, but how do I let this social injustice continue? I already hate Claudia and she has only said one sentence. This must be stopped.
   "Actually, Laurie,"… am I really going to do this? Sigh. Yes, yes I am… "I don't know how this escaped me (considering I remember kayaking with you an entire six months ago) but Zed was actually just asking about you, I'll take you over there."
   You are so busted, Claudia. And I am so glad I finally get to wield my sophomore power. This was a good decision, I am glad I did not walk away.
   So, I take Laurie over there, make introductions, "Zed, this is a prostitute-I'm sorry-girl from my Pre-O trip. We kayaked in Maine, you're from Maine, you guys can take it from there."
   While I enjoy thwarting Claudia's evil, evil plans, I still do not care to watch Zed "get his groove on." I really don't care to be here at all, because quite frankly (and quite obviously) the fun of the campus wide has worn off entirely. As a freshman I was sure that there was no greater invention than the campus wide, and that I would go to every single one until the day I graduated. However, somewhere along the way I was like "Oh, bad beer, sweaty, sleazy men, many many hos doesn't equal fun. Right."
   But somehow, here I am on the stairs of Quinby House. I just can't watch Zed comfort Laurie about her antler anxiety, so instead I watch the rest of the herd trot off to take on another one of Bowdoin's favorites, Wavis Tummings.
   Claudia has clearly set her sights on poor Wavis and is zeroing in for the kill, when she is suddenly interrupted by the eerie silence that lingers right before you hear "Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone, I hear you call my name, and it feels like…" dramatic pause as every girl in the house readies themselves for the charge…"HOME!" Mad chaotic rush to the dance floor, where everything is forgotten for four minutes of Pure Girl Joy. Sorry, Wavis.