Volume CXXXIII, Number 2 September 14, 2001 f

Let's Get It On: Relationships at Bowdoin
KARA OPPENHEIM
Staff Writer

As we begin to settle into the new year at Bowdoin, our classes decided, rooms fully decorated, and neighbors met, our thoughts may turn to other areas of our lives: namely sex and relationships in their various incarnations. Despite the statistics tour guides like to spew out regarding our extraordinary marriage rates, Bowdoin students may actually spend their four years exploring an array of romantic options. Sometimes there seem to be too many options while at other times they feel trapped. Therefore, this week I have tried to create a reference guide delineating IN WHAT FORMS DOES SEX AND ROMANCE EXIST AT BOWDOIN?

The Random Hookup: Almost always associated with alcohol, this is the easiest and most common affair. In the real world, this may be known as the "one-night stand." A random hookup necessitates two people, at least one of whom has usually decided to "hook up" that night, and very high sex drives (often influenced by adolescence, beer, tightly packed parties, and either scant clothing due to warm weather or boredom due to cold weather). Participants are commonly in different classes. Generally, the two people have been introduced before, so they feel comfortable enough to strike up a conversation that includes arm-touching, eye contact, and assorted other innuendo. This interaction lasts anywhere from a half hour to two and results in the couple returning to one party's room, "sexiling" the roommates, and engaging in anything from basic kissing to intercourse. Sleeping over: optional. The random hookup rarely leads to anything, save some awkward encounters later on-"Oh my God, I hooked up with him the other week at _____". (I can only think of one case in which a random hookup led to a date that subsequently led to a relationship. But I must stress that this is an extremely isolated incident.)

The Continuous (or Regular) Hookup: What happens when the people involved in the random hookup "clicked" physically or one or more is really desperate? Anything between a hookup and a relationship. Participants generally like to say "we just hook up" or "we're kind of together, I guess, but we are NOT going out." May last for a while and include a minimal email relationship, but no real emotional involvement is expected. ("Expected" being a key word here, for unfortunately, in many cases, emotional involvement develops and ultimately causes stress, tears and name-calling. This may be avoided with the substitution of basic human kindness and decency in place of misleading clichés that may be deemed "what she/he wants to hear.)" Once again, I can only think of a few examples of the continuous hookup leading to anything more. Also leads to awkwardness-"She hates me because last year we were hooking up, and then one night I …"

The Friends Who Hookup: Has potential to be either the least or the most complex of the bunch. In its benevolent form, two friends (who have often had a few beers) have not gotten any in a while and therefore agree to help each other out. Neither is particularly attracted to the other and they remain friends, perhaps even closer than before, having gotten all sexual tension out of the way. This is fine. It is also possible, though, that a "Continuous Hookup" will ensue and therein resides the danger. One or both of them may begin to think, "Well, we really get along, and I am attracted to him/her too. So, if it makes sense for us to 'go out' there is a) the possibility that the other party does not feel the same way, and the friendship may be ruined, or b) the possibility that a relationship will begin.

It is true that "Friends Who Hookup" may make fabulous couples and one day become another marriage stat. However, it is possible that while two people get along and are perhaps even attracted to one another, they may lack that ineffable "spark" that is needed to sustain a loving relationship. Attraction, loneliness and/or desperation can blind the couple to this for a month or even a year; and when they do, if they are unlucky enough to be in the same close group of friends, they may also realize that although they have made a mistake, it becomes very difficult to disentangle oneself when there are others involved. But give them time, and they will soon be turned off by and even disgusted by the other and exchange nasty emails frequently. Research shows that only time and sycophantic behavior can heal such wounds.

Thus the hypothesis: If and only if "Friends Who Hookup" truly believe they can make it to "The Healthy Bowdoin Relationship" (see below) then they should go for it; or else they should be wary of the path they tread.

The Healthy Bowdoin Relationship: This occurs when two people who see each other often (indicating many shared interests)-but unburdened by a history of friendship-realize that they are attracted to each other. They get to know one another better and realize that their attraction is more than physical. One of the two, a common friend, or an uninhibited observer will bring up the fact that their feelings are mutual. Very important to success is that neither of the involved have a boyfriend or girlfriend at home.

The couple may, at this point, begin to hookup but they are not in immediate danger of any of the problems above, because they have laid a sound foundation, hold no illusions of the other and have the same sort of feelings upon entering the "Healthy Bowdoin Relationship."

In conclusion, I hope I have not touched upon any nerves. Rather, this simplified catalogue is intended to remind you what your options are, here, beneath the pines. I would like to stress, moreover, that these are hardly the only possibilities; they are but the most common and easiest situations to find oneself in. And do not despair you Polar Bears who leave parties with your own two hands in your own two pockets. Just as enjoyable may be the evenings you rush home to call Dominos before two and share pizza and laughter with good friends.