Volume CXXXIII, Number 7 October 26, 2001 f

Suprise, Suprise! The Yankees are going to win the 2001 World Series
J.P. BOX
ORIENT STAFF

It was particularly difficult to come up with a topic for this week's column. After being blasted by friends and friendly foes due to my pick ofthe Phoenix Suns as NBA Champs in last week's issue, my confidence as a writer hit an all-time low.

"J.P., you don't know shit about sports," and "Are you a frickin' moron?" were some of the most benign comments. Hoping to vindicate myself this week, I fretted for much of my waking hours about what I would write to win back the loving support of my readers.

The World Series seemed to be the obvious choice-after all, it happens only once every year and is America's favorite past time. The game is as American as apple pie (or so they say). With our nation at war, why not write about something that will tap into our patriotic senses?

For some reason, however, the World Series featuring the New York Yankees and Arizona Diamond Backs does not capture my sports imagination. I'm not even fascinated really.

It's the varsity team going up against an upstart junior varsity. It's an intramural team versus the real varsity boys and girls. It's as lopsided as a Patriots-Colts football game. It's like the Bowdoin football team going up against the St. Louis Rams. It's the damn Yankees!-they have a play written about them. Of course they're not going to lose.

Watching this World Series will be as exciting as listening to AC/DC without lead singer and guitarist Angus Young-what's the point? You know that something vital is missing in the band, and you know that the Yankees will win their fourth in a row.

Nevertheless, media outlets have much invested in this Octoberfest of baseball. They will work hard held to sell it as the sports event of the year. Hoping to capture the audience, clichès will be as abundant as celebrities at a Yankees game.

For example, don't be surprised if you hear: The Arizona Diamond Backs hope to take a bite out of the Big Apple! Or, the Yankees were snake-bitten in the desert and surrendered game one of the 2001 World Series. Or, the Diamond Backs lost their rattle and the game in the House that Ruth Built. Or, according to a New York poll, 100 percent of the population thinks Derek Jeter is hot.
Or the ultimate patriotic opening by a major network: As our brave men and women fight for our democracy in Afghanistan, the Yankees and Diamond Backs fight for the World Series Championship.

Apart from these team-specific references, you'll also hear sportscasters say things like: Folks, this is World Serious! And, the fat lady is singing.
Then there is that Sinatra song played over and over after every New York victory: "I'm going to be a part of it! New York New York!"

The one phrase that you are guaranteed to hear, however, is: The New York Yankees are the 2001 Major League Baseball Champions for the fourth year in a row!

And what are you going to hear from Red Sox fans at Bowdoin? Damn Yankees-Sox will get 'em next year now that Jimmy Williams is gone.

You know what though? I kind of agree with the Red Sox fans - not the part about the Sox winning the World Series of course. The Yankees have made baseball so one-sided that they've taken the fun out of it. They are so good that they have made baseball boring.

It's like watching the final episode of "Survivor" and then watching the season premiere. You already know who's going to win the million bucks. You may be curious about how the winner got there, but the suspense is killed.

There is only one way to end this madness once and for all and save baseball from being the Yankees and everybody else. If Boston and New York switch team names, the incredibly-bad luck of the Sox and the insanely-good luck of the Yankees will be evened out.

New York, formerly the most blessed franchise in sports history, will be the New York Red Sox. With the new name, however, they will be merely mortal and will win the World Series as often as every other team.

Boston, formerly the most cursed team in baseball, will be the Boston Yankees. As such, the curse will cease to exist and the Red Sox will win a World Series as often as every other team.

If the teams agree to adopt my resolution, we might see the Boston Yankees defeating the New York Red Sox in the American League Championship Series during the 2002 season.

If the teams decline my offer, the Yankees will win it next year too.