Volume CXXXIII, Number 12 December 7, 2001 f

Santa's coming to town for pro athletes
J.P. BOX
ORIENT STAFF

Looking for last minute gift ideas for professional athletes? Then you came to the right place. If you find these perfect gifts, the athletes will forever be in your in debt.

Peter Forsberg: This indefinitely retired Colorado Avalanche center needs hockey equipment. Skates, pads, and a fancy hockey stick would be a great start. With this gear, "Peter The Great" can return to his former employer and help the Avs defend the Cup.

Peter, you now have no more excuses to keep on playing hooky - get off your retired rump and suit up for a game.

Michael Jordan: If you see a pair of Air Jordan knees in your local S-Mart (remember, "shop smart - shop S-Mart"), pick up this special gift idea for Michael. Tendonitis in a bum right knee has hampered Jordan's play all season. Without these knees, Jordan will miss significant portions of the season icing his creaky knees.

However, if you find vintage Air Jordan 1990 knees, put them under Michael's tree. We all know he needs them if wants to reassert himself as the greatest ballplayer in all the lands.

Charles Barkley: The former 76'er, Sun, and Rocket recently hinted that he is planning to return to the NBA alongside Michael Jordan. After all, he feels sorry that MJ is struggling to win with a Wizards team void of veteran talent.

So, what does Sir Charles need? A weight loss program - that kind that you see on infomercials where the flabby old guy gets a rock-hard six-pack. After retiring, Barkley has ballooned past 300 pounds. In order to seriously consider a comeback of his own, Chuckie readily admits that he must lose at least 25 pounds.

Bob Davie: This recently fired Notre Dame head coach wants future employment for the holiday season. It wasn't his fault that an untalented bunch of Fighting Irish failed to make a bowl game. Did anyone really expect them to?
ABC Broadcasting: As long as we are on the subject of the Fighting Irish, would someone please present this station with a different lineup of teams for Saturday's college football - notably, remove the Irish.

Why must spectators and couch potaters be forced to watch the same Notre Dame game every weekend? They aren't good, or particularly fun to watch. The school has a great football history (we all love Rudy), but currently they are not competive.

Antoine Walker: Don't waste your money on game because this power forward already has plenty of it. He does, however, need a major dose of maturity and a team-first attitude. Antoine launched over 600 hundred three-pointers last season - that's over six per game from your power forward.

The Celtics would be a much stronger team if Walker stopped heaving up trey after trey and displayed maturity on the court. You don't have to heave up a half-dozen threes per game to be an effective player.

Jason Giambi: Do Harley Davidsons and a New York Yankees uniform mesh? Giambi thinks so. This Oakland Athletics slugger and former American League MVP is on the verge of donning a Yankee jersey for the rest of his career.

Do the Yankees need to secure the best free agent in the market every year? Last year, Mike Mussina defected to New York and quickly become the ace of the staff for a modest (baseball terms) $85 million. If Giambi follows the Moose, let's put coal is his stocking for making baseball uncompetitive.

U.S. Hockey Team: This group of NHL superstars already embarrassed themselves and their country in Nagano - let's hope they don't do it in Salt Lake City. What do they need for the 2002 Olympics? A healthy respect for their competitors and an appreciation for the spirit of the Olympic games.

During the 1998 Games, an arrogant and hung-over bunch of Americans failed to medal, but did succeed in destroying their living accommodations. This is a team in need of vindication for their disgraceful performance and representation in Japan.

David Stern: This NBA Commissioner desperately needs to be fined - soon. He has leveled out thousands of dollars worth of fines this season. Players whose shorts drop below their kneecaps or who criticize the referees are amongst Stern's favorite targets.

If a host of people fine Stern $5000 dollars for the holidays, maybe the Commish will relinquish some of his control over the NBA and let players wear what they want and speak their mind - within reason of course.

Shaquille O'Neal and the Lakers: As November closed, the Lakers sported a 15-1 record and established themselves as the supreme team in the NBA. What could this team possibly need? They already have the best center, the best guard, and the best coach.

A prime-time soap opera is a great gift idea for the two-time world champions. Imagine the series unfold: In the season premier, Shaq changes into a pair of size 32 shorts despite his size 54 waist band. He then dominates on the court, cracks a few jokes afterwards, and extricates himself from his skimpy shorts.

The second episode starts off laughably with Shaq declaring that he would like to be a sheriff - only in L.A. However, the episode hits a more serious note as Kobe and Shaq begin to bicker at each other. However, Zen Master Phil Jackson quickly saves the day, and the Lakers win big again.

The intrigue and story lines are all there - all they need now is a sitcom.

Kurt Warner: The most talented quarterback in the National Football League needs a new commercial because his Campbell's Chunky Soup ad freaks me out. In this line of ads, professional football players like Donovan McNabb, Terrell Davis, and now Warner receive bowls of Chunky Soup from their mothers in order to be able to perform at an optimum level.

However, Kurt Warner's parents tragically died before he made it big in the NFL. Thus, watching Warner's supposed mother pour bowls of soup strikes me as very eerie. He needs Campbell's to change the ad format, or someone please offer him a new product to advertise - preferably one that does not include his dead mother.