Volume CXXXIII, Number 15 February 8, 2002 f

The Super Bowl and terrorism
CRAIG GIAMMONA

It's a story you've all heard before. A few stiff vodka drinks, a few shots of tequila, some domestic beer, a chugging contest or two, and the next thing you know you're babbling incoherently and being asked to leave a party.
I wasn't offended by being asked to leave, but when Super Bowl Sunday rolled around and I was dealing with a hangover that ranks in my top three (and I assure you this is an illustrious list), I began to worry about my condition. Would I be ready for game time?

At three o'clock, I conceded that I wouldn't be able to besot myself the way any good football fan should on the Super Sunday, and I made the difficult and hard-to-respect decision not to drink. At 5:30 I was out of bed and had assumed my appropriate position on the couch. In fact, I had risen just in time to experience the overwhelmingly necessary, undoubtedly relevant, and unrelentingly emotional dramatization of the signing of the Declaration of Independence that preceded the game. I was elated to be wearing my stars and stripes boxers, and after witnessing such a poignant display of American patriotism, I truly was "ready for some football."

The game got off to a fairly predictable start with the Rams taking an early lead. I sat, virtually incapacitated, devoting the whole of my attention to the game.

As it moved toward halftime, things began to get strange. The Patriots took a two-score lead, and as a result of a provocative and mind-numbingly expensive TV ad I began to look at drug-use in a whole new light. The innocence of victimless indulgence had been replaced by the notion that people I know, by purchasing illegal drugs, were complicit in terrorist acts.

One of these terrorists called me on the phone and asked if I had seen the ad. I was reluctant to speak with him for fear of being the target of a government investigation, or worse, being implicated in a terrorist plot. He tried to assure me that the ad, which cost the White House $1.6 million to run, was simply an attempt to link the popular war on terrorism to the war on drugs. I quickly dismissed this errant claim as the ranting of a radical and subversive thinker who may or may not have ties to the Al Qaeda network.
As the third quarter droned on, a meaningless prelude to the excitement that was the fourth quarter, I entered a state of deep contemplation. It just didn't seem possible that an administration with such a strong mandate to govern would spend 1.6 million dollars to make claims that were untrue, or arguments that were flawed.

Then, the second $1.6 million ad (bringing the total to $3.2 million) aired. I was confronted with the confessions of young boys who admitted to helping terrorists get fake passports, and also confessed to "helping murder families in Colombia."

I was deeply moved by this commercial, and outraged at the confessions of these innocent teens that had gotten involved with terrorism as a direct result of searching for a "good time." I have never agreed with the use of illegal drugs, but prior to Super Sunday I had always been open-minded enough to turn a blind eye to the indulgence of those I know and occasionally consort with.

Things have changed. How can I, privy to the knowledge that those whom with I am (or was) acquainted have murdered innocent Colombians, sit idly by while terrorists all over the country get high and peacefully enjoy themselves? After witnessing the patriotic pregame display, it just didn't seem right not to act.
I could always justify my refusal to enter the military and serve my country on the grounds of a general aversion to violence, but now with the evil-doers residing so close to home, I found myself implanted with a deep desire to answer the White House's call to arms. Citizens convicted for marijuana-related offenses only serve an average of ten years in prison, compared with an average of 6.3 years for those convicted of murder. This differential is simply too low. Murderers have a variety of reasons for acting. Finding their wife in bed with a New York Knick, hatred of a particular race or ethnicity, cold blood, insanity, being high.

On the other hand, terrorists deliberately target innocent civilians. They are evil, as are the drugs they indulge in. Americans spend 32 billion dollars a year on marijuana, making it our nation's number one cash crop.

This simply cannot continue. That $32 billion could almost cover the $38 billion increase in defense spending Bush has proposed in his recently released budget, and would help clear up confusion over the coinciding of massive increases in defense spending and more tax cuts. This money must be seized at all costs. I am willing to advocate the subjugation of civil liberties, in addition to whatever means our administration deems necessary to seek out these stoned evil-doers.

The revelation that at least 70,000,000 million terrorists-an approximation of the number of Americans who have tried marijuana-are living among within our ranks binds us to act, quickly and with great force. If you ask me, those ads were worth the $3.2 million.