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Volume CXXXIII, Number 15 |
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The marriage myth
KARA OPPENHEIM
Popular rumors at Bowdoin include:
1) Ivies Weekend is so named because Bowdoin is celebrating our refusal
to join the Ivy League
2) Britney Spears is coming to Bowdoin
3) There are still underground frats
4) First-semester grades of freshman year don't count
5) 60% of Bowdoin students marry Bowdoin students
While the first four rumors are clearly unfounded fabrications and are
often cleared up early in a Bowdoin student's career, the last one is
sort of tip-toed around-everyone has heard it, but it's hard to prove
or disprove.
I could probably sit in the Alumni Office and review the Bulletins to
calculate the actual figure and report back to the Orient with an authoritative
figure, ending the dispute once and for all, but let's be honest, I just
don't care enough.
Moreover, I don't think the actual figure is as important as the impact
of the mere idea on Bowdoin students. In the back of our minds, we all
remember hearing it at one time or another, and to some extent it affects
us in our interactions. So this week I want to look at the implications
of THE MARRIAGE MYTH OF BOWDOIN.
The number of people who believe that when in choosing a college, one
may also be choosing where he or she will find a husband or wife is surprising.
Lee once told me that his parents met in college and he thought this was
the best way to go about becoming betrothed.
This is a very scary thought for some people, myself included. It implies
that you may marry the lacrosse player who kicked you while he was doing
a keg stand last weekend or that cute host of a WBOR show who sits in
the back of your Greek class. That's a pretty intimidating thought!
"I don't want to worry about finding a husband at Bowdoin!"
exclaims Carrie. "I just want to have a good time!"
Some students do take this seriously, though. These are the people who
come to school and immediately attach themselves. They generally disapprove
of random hookups in favor of searching for a life partner. Once they
find this special someone (or someones-these are the breed known as 'serial
monogamists'), they rearrange their schedules, spend all of their time
both at school and over vacations with this person, and basically try
(within the parameters of Res Life) to move in with them.
Edie and Rob are such a couple. Their friends realized it was getting
serious when Rob stopped caring about getting fined by his teammates and
sat with Edie anyway at dinner and Edie no longer joined her friends for
weekly Sunday brunches at Big Top.
Then Rob bought her a toothbrush to keep in his bathroom. Then they split
Spring Break to be with his family for one week and with hers for the
other (now they alternate all holidays with their families). They don't
even go out with their friends anymore, preferring to just stay in together
and watch cheesy romantic comedies.
Edie and Rob, at the ripe young age of college students, have essentially
gotten married. Not that it is particularly uncommon for young adults
to get married, but one has to wonder if they will ever know what it is
like to live without each other (not to mention have sex with anyone else
ever again.) They are on the track to become that legendary 60 percent.
On the other end of the spectrum is Colette. Colette is always hooking
up with one guy or another. These aren't random hookups as much as they
are a series of anti-relationships. Many people call her different things,
but I would like to call her scared. It seems to me that she has chosen
not to go the route of Edie and Rob but rather to desperately avoid any
possibility of the marriage myth and make sure she is never attached to
anyone.
If Edie, Rob, and Colette are all happy, I have no right to judge their
choices. I only wish to point out that I believe they all are, whether
consciously or not, influenced by the myth that Bowdoin relationships
end in marriage. Clearly Edie and Rob are comfortable with this idea and
perhaps were seeking it, where Colette fears entering one of these pseudo-marriages
because it may lead to an actual wedding.
This is not to say that Bowdoin is alone in this dichotomous social scene.
Most of the other NESCAC schools boast the same statistics. But is it
really fair to put that sort of pressure on young men and women? Shouldn't
we focus on getting to know ourselves and who we are in and out of relationships
before we head off into the real world with our liberal arts educations?
I don't want this week's column to be a condemnation of either of these
options, because I am sure there are some who would choose relationships
without the influence of the marriage myth.
At the same time, the myth does affect many others. To these students
I would like to make clear that college is about learning about yourself
and becoming a whole person on your own, not actively seeking or avoiding
someone else to define who you are. A happy medium does exist; it is possible
to be involved with someone beyond hooking up and yet not looking for
a ring.
So if you want to be in a relationship, do. And if you don't, don't. Please don't let some statistic that the admissions office threw your way influence your decisions.