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Volume CXXXIII, Number 16 |
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Total absurdity in love
SARAH RAMEY
The agony, the pain, the bitterness, the moping that occurs
on Valentine's Day, very simply, must go. I would like to motion for the
campus to just buck-up and quit its wallowing. And I don't say this as
one of the Snoopy card-sending, red heart antennae-wearing fanatics, but
rather as someone who has wallowed for too long and would like to see
the suffering put to an end.
This year, I don't intend to dissect the nuance of what
exactly is wrong with the Bowdoin dating scene, but rather just to recall
the moments of total absurdity in my own ridiculous love life. The one
story that comes to mind is one that has gone too long untold…but
the time has finally come.
*****
To preface, I find that nothing is more gut-wrenchingly uncomfortable
than the dreaded In-Car-Kiss. You pull up at the end of what otherwise
had been a perfectly enjoyable date, and then all of a sudden pleasant
conversation takes a turn for the horrendous…stuttering, stammering,
the brief eye contact, the laughter to fill the void, the lean-in, the
seat belts, the stick-shift, and then in my case the inevitable and abrupt
"Well, had a great time, see ya!" and then the full-on sprint
from the car to my building, leaving behind my poor, puzzled date. But
for once in my life, I am not just being bizarre with no cause…oh
no, there is a history behind this phobia…a memory I've tried and
tried to bury, but will simply never lay itself to rest…
The year: 1996. The place: Washington DC. The stage in my life: Awkward
to the Extreme.
The phone rings, and it's a boy. We'll call him Hank, for
the sake of privacy. So, Heinous Hank, as I took to calling him in the
aftermath of this horrid debacle, calls me up and asks if I'd like to
join him and his friends at the movies. Not being accustomed to being
asked out, and also admittedly naive, I agree, thinking that this will
be a fun get-together amongst friends. I should have noted the deceit
in his voice.
So, excited to go see this movie with these older guys,
I drive down, feeling cool.I check my make-up in the rearview, flip my
hair upside down, ruffle it around a bit, flip it right side up again,
pinch my cheeks, make one last "sexy" pucker face in the mirror
and I am so ready for this group date.
Now, before we go any further, let's take a minute to describe
Heinous Hank. Fun? No…no…maybe the…opposite of fun. Interesting?
No…not that either. And, I won't say that he was a midget…or
a dwarf…but I guess I can say we didn't exactly see eye to eye. And
I shouldn't say that he looked as if he hadn't been fed for the entire
month of June, but I'll be honest-I probably outweighed the kid by at
least 20 pounds.
So if you're thinking emaciated midget, with no redeeming
personality traits, you're right on track. Now that you have a frame of
reference, back to the date:
I arrive, and there he is, our famished little hobbit standing
in all his bespectacled glory next to the ticket counter, however rather
than flanked by his group of friends…he is alone. All alone. Smiling
at me…and at the corners of his mouth I can see what I could not
hear on the phone…deceit.
Uncomfortably, I force a smile and begin the obligatory:
"What's up?"
"Nothing, what's up with you?" in a voice that
suggested that he preferred to speak out of his nose.
"Oh…nothing," I sighed. Then… "Where
are your friends…you dirty, dirty liar?" (italics here indicate
unspoken but heartfelt thoughts).
"Oh…they couldn't make it…and now I have
you trapped exactly where I want you, Sarah Ramey….there is no escape!!"
Now, we can actually just fast-forward through the next
portion of the night…just picture me, Gigantor and he, Webster, trying
to negotiate our way through three hours of subtitles and a plot line
that, if I remember correctly, detailed the life and times of the 14th
Dalai Lama.
So we watch the Lama movie, and when it's over I announce
that it is far past my curfew and I must be returning home immediately-to
which he counters with an offer to walk me to my car. Seeing no way around
it, I reluctantly agree, eyes narrowed, but when we get there I manage
to breezily thank him and escape into my car…astonished at my graceful
avoidance of end-of-date awkwardness. Smiling, I begin to drive away when-
Tap tap tap!
Is he tapping on my window? Huh, indeed he is. Indeed.
I look to the right to see Hank, whose head barely clears
the window at all, frantically making the roll down your window gesture.
Slowly, painfully, I roll down the window, which he immediately
reaches into, unlocks the door, opens the door, sits in the seat, closes
the door, puts on the seat belt, turns to me and says "Can you give
me a ride to my car?"
Left without a choice, I turn out of the parking lot and we go one block,
at which point he says "OK…, well, here we are. Thanks for the
ride." Pause. Sickening pause.
Then, "Sarah, I had a great time tonight and I…"
Perhaps at this point he was trying to gaze meaningfully into my eyes,
however having turned myself squarely towards my own window, I have no
idea.
"Well, see ya later," I chirped into my window.
"Did you like the movie?"
"Yep. Later on, man."
"I-uh…well…I guess I should go."
"OK then, see you."
"Um….<<sounds of fumbling with the seat belt, then the
car door opening>>…Well…Have a good night then,"
he said and then finally stepped out of the car.
Out of the danger zone, I turned back around to wave and
smile…a smile that slowly melted in a look of horror as the car door
began to re-open…and then those words…the words that to this
day ring in my ears…
"Hold on…I am definitely trying something..." (Here italicized
words indicate actual spoken words, as in SPOKEN OUT LOUD words)…and
then, eyes closed, lips pursed in the most ridiculous way you can imagine,
he clamored over the gear shift, and…kissed…me. Deer in the
headlights does not quite do my expression justice. Maybe crazed kitten
caught in the path of a bullet train. I sat blinking, waiting for it to
end, and then finally, he pulled away, smiling suavely at a job well done…and
then said, then actually said:
"Later baby."
And this…this…well, this was my first kiss. Heinous
Hank. Traumatic? Oh, I think so. But hilarious all the same.
*****
And so, you see…all this, all of our agonizing will some day be an
amusing memory. That boy who makes you sad…think of when he bit it
on the ice, tried to laugh it off, and then bit it again. That girl who
you just can't figure out…remember when she was telling a story and
was attacked by a massive swallow (as in a gulp, not the bird…however
the bird attack would be funny.) My point is simply this: there is little
in our love lives that is truly as heartbreaking as we imagine. So buck
up!
I hope it was a very merry Valentine's Day for all. May all your kisses be more sweet and less Heinous.