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Volume CXXXIII, Number 19 |
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Bowdoin the business and genetic chaos
CRAIG GIAMMONA
I spent most of my two-week vacation contemplating my mixed
genetic background and the bodily confusion that is its direct result.
I am half Italian (give or take a quarter Turkish here and there) and
half Irish (give or take a quarter Scottish here and there), which means
that the diametrically opposed genetic forces at work in my body are engaged
in a constant struggle for power that leaves me confused and more overweight
then some might imagine. My "diverse" genetic background has
helped create a confused, hairy-chested, pasta eating, shinny-armed, fat-legged
drunk with a baby face, and a slowly-changing patriarchal view of the
world.
At times, I find myself longing for the genetic homogeneity
of the Northern Europeans. What I wouldn't give to be a strapping Danish
man descended directly from Odin himself, with a genetic code that reads
like a psalm from the King James Bible. Over break, I often found myself
daydreaming about carrying on my Nordic heritage in the blissful utopia
that is modern-day Denmark, alongside a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, socially
liberal but financially prudent woman.
As I said, I am both Irish and Italian, and the result is
a confused and inconsistent bodily makeup that manifests itself in a laundry
list of insecurities and irrational hang-ups. My lack of genetic consistency
and the resulting bodily puzzlement allowed puberty and the "awkward
stage," both ravagers of self-confidence in most adolescents, to
truly obliterate any possibility that ever existed for me to be a normal
functioning person.
Do Northern Europeans face the same issues? If they do,
they really haven't gotten their minds around the concept of empathy-seeing
as the six months I spent in Denmark were marked by rejection followed
ceaselessly by rejection at the hands of beautiful and clearly unimpressed
Danish women. Who can blame them?
This thinking brought me directly to the issue of grade
inflation at Bowdoin. Most times when I am confronted with the pressing
Bowdoin issue of the day, I turn my head quickly back to the deli-meat
sandwich I am consuming and focus the whole of my attention on not getting
mayonnaise on my shirt. Unexpected spills and stains really hamper my
quest to never do laundry. I'll wear the same outfit for a few days straight,
but once there's a stain, I have to draw the line.
So, it's easy to understand why I have little time for petty
discussions that do not concern me. Grade inflation, though, is different.
I don't really care that everyone gets higher grades these days, but it
does seem a little silly that C's and B's have become "bad"
grades. This doesn't make sense to me, but I think I have figured out
a way that Bowdoin can stamp out grade inflation once and for all.
Bowdoin is an institution dedicated to the liberal arts
education of young men and women from around the world. However, like
my misaligned body, Bowdoin too suffers from the strain of diametrically
opposed forces.
To a certain extent, Bowdoin's main goal is the education of young people.
However, on the other hand, Bowdoin is a multi-million dollar corporation.
The large amount of money involved in the giving and receiving
of a Bowdoin education mandates that school administrators bring a strict
business sense to discussion of the college's practices. Here we see the
same intrinsic sort of lacking in institutional conformity that creates
the seemingly untenable intricacies of my body and mind and leaves me
bed-ridden and nauseous for most of the Maine winter. While ostensibly
dedicated to the value and provision of education, Bowdoin is also a functioning
business. If it were to stop functioning as such, it would cease to be
a school that provided education. To simplify: Bowdoin is in the business
of providing education.
This setup functions well, especially when the goals of
Bowdoin, the business, coincide with the goals of Bowdoin the college.
However, there are times when conflicts arise and negative externalities
result-like grade inflation, an increasingly belligerent security force,
and having to pay to make copies.
In order to deal with grade inflation, an issue that affects
Bowdoin's legitimacy as a school and hence as a business, we must infuse
money into the equation, thereby creating a situation where grades actually
matter and directly effect the school's financial well-being. I propose
that a pay scale be developed, so that students could receive rebates
according to what grades they earned each semester. A's could go for $400,
B's for $300, C's for $200, D's for $100, and F's would receive nothing.
Checks could be mailed home along with report cards and a message encouraging
students to use the money to buy books and other supplies to better their
educational experience.
This proposal would work on many levels. First, with the
new system, it wouldn't be long before a slew of memos from administrators
ended up in the mailboxes of professor urging them to curtail grade inflation.
With the college losing money at a rate directly proportional to the leniency
of professors, one can be sure that grade inflation would come to a rapid
end and perhaps would be replaced by a new process-grade "deflation."
The new system would also award the smartest and most talented students by awarding them with something tangible: money. The free market would work its magic and instantly transform the Bowdoin education from liberal relativistic endeavor to a pursuit fraught with life lessons about hard work.