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Volume CXXXI, Number 21 |
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Can one find 'life-changing love' within a friendship at Bowdoin?
KARA OPPENHEIM
First Monica and Chandler, now Joey and Rachel. It's becoming
part of the comedy of Friends-that the six people will eventually all
discover their love for each other and pair off. At the same time, Jerry
and Elaine on Seinfeld didn't really care about each other until they'd
stopped being friends, and then refused to date. Go figure.
Earlier this year, I wrote a column about whether or not
men and women can really be friends, and concluded that they can. Well,
here's the other side of that coin-IS IT A GOOD IDEA FOR FRIENDS TO DATE?
"Absolutely. Best idea ever," Jamal declares.
When one dates a friend, they can skip over the awkwardness of getting
to know each other. And the two already know that they are somewhat compatible;
they know the areas in which they disagree as well. What could be better
than to base a relationship on comfort and trust?
If it turned out as well as it did for Monica and Chandler-that
is, the two discover that they are both equally in love with each other-then
all will be well. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
Sometimes, the friendship may be hindered by one-sided feelings.
In the case of Brad and Serena, their friendship has degraded to the point
that it seems to be based entirely on Brad trying to convince Serena to
go out with him. Once, last year, she tried it out and realized that while
she likes spending time with him, she really just does not feel that way
about him. Upon their breakup, which Brad did not take particularly well,
he decided that she hadn't realized what she did by breaking up with him
and has spent the ensuing two years trying to persuade her of such.
"It was such a mistake," she says. "If I
had never given in, and agreed to see what it was like-against my instincts,
I might add-he probably would have just gotten over the crush and we would
have been fine as friends. But as it is, I doubt we can ever really be
nice, normal friends again."
Of course it is entirely possible for one friend's crush
to turn into a life-changing love. Abby tried to dismiss George's crush
on her until she realized that she liked him as well- they now debate
where they will live together when they graduate. The difference between
Abby and Serena is that Abby realized she did in fact return George's
feelings, whereas Serena just felt pressured to go out with Brad so he
would stop bugging her about it. Abby did what felt right to her and she
is now the happier of the two.
Unrequited crushes like Brad's are often the result of friends
being "more than just friends." Oftentimes two friends can hook
up once or twice without any real damage. But the increase in number of
hookups is directly proportional to the increase in potential heartbreak.
It's very easy for someone to be confused if they are acting as if they
are in a relationship by spending a lot of quality time with a person
they feel very close to AND going home with them every night. The long
and wonderful friendship of two such people I know was recently destroyed
because Buck thought that they were just hooking up-albeit, quite a lot-and
Sarah began to develop a love beyond their camaraderie. She will never
be able to feel the same way about him again after he rejected her romantically.
Carrie comes from having started out as quite good friends
with Jackson before they dated for a long time. "After we broke up,
it took nearly a year for us to be able to really become friends again.
It was pretty rough at times right after the breakup. There were many
times I wished that we had just stayed friends and never subjected ourselves
to the hazards of a relationship." So was it worth it? "I don't
know. I don't know if I'd date such a close friend like that again, unless
I really believed that it was true love. "
Kitty, on the other hand, loves to date her male friends
briefly because she feels they will never get the sexual tension out of
the way if they don't. She finds that she and the friends that she has
dated end up becoming closer in the long run because they never have to
deal with the possibility of attraction because they know what it's like.
It is one thing to date someone one is friendly with. But
there is a great difference between a "friendship" consisting
of repeated conversations in line at the keg and a real bond. The first
case, where two people might realize that they have a lot in common, may
be the best possible foundation for a happy relationship. The more involved
friendship is something to be cherished, however, and possible repercussions
should be weighed in decisions about turning friendships to relationships.
So perhaps for every Monica and Chandler who fall in love and marry after years of friendship, and a Jerry and Elaine who become closer friends after having dated, there is a Joey who will pine after a Rachel, thereby ruining the precious camaraderie. (I don't even want to begin to think about Rachel's relationship with Ross). Just think about it before you plunge into something that might have long-term consequences. As far as I am concerned, anything is worth it for true love, but barring that, you might want to think about if you'd rather leave Bowdoin with lots of friends or lots of exes.