Volume CXXXI, Number 23 April 26, 2002 f

Men's rugby: Will the domination ever cease?
HUGH HILL
STAFF WRITER

The men's rugby team generally assaulted each and every opponent it faced over the course of its short season. (Karsten Moran, Bowdoin Orient)

The Bowdoin Men's Rugby Team continues its tradition of excellence and victory as it proves its unrivalled level of play and virile athletic mastery again this spring.

Riding high after the stupendous success of their fall season, where they finished second in the Northeast and ninth in the nation, the ruggers have surely made their collective mark already this spring. Though it is not as formal or organized as the fall play, the spring season allows the team to showcase their amazing collection of talents in ways heretofore unimagined.

After intensive winter training, the team was ready for action. A strict regime of "can curls," distance runs as far as Uncle T's and back, barrel lifts, and an intensive secret training program known only as "Quasimodo" left the team in peak condition for a spring of utter carnage and more ambulances filled with the bodies of their foes.

Team Adonis, Aryeh "Why haven't you fixed my car yet, you imbecile?" Jasper had this to say about the training regimen: "It was real tough to stick to at first. It's a lot of work to make that level of commitment. My key to survival was switching the PBJ in my lunch to PBR. The results, well, you can see for yourself. My svelte physique, so impressive to the ladies of this campus, is considered par for the ruggers that've been on this training regimen."

The ruggers encountered their first test of 2002 on their Spring Break tour. Traveling to the brutal North, where wolves and yeti routinely dismember those unfortunate enough to be outside, the ruggers did battle with that famed academic institution, the College of Montreal. As icy blasts obscured vision and froze players in their boots, the ruggers valiantly stood against the evil French-speaking foes.

It was a brutal match. Senior Kris "Single" Bosse was almost locked up as he bravely and belligerently tried to march the ball into the zone, but his lightning quick reflexes saved him. Junior Ryan "The Goat" Brawn had an amazing steal that allowed him to score with great gusto and vigor.

"Man, I really needed that," said a still-stunned Goat the next morning. "Scoring like that not only contributed to our victory, but definitely put a smile on my face for a while."

The real power in the game came from senior captain Billy "Mom" Soares. Whilst his co-captain D'Nunzio spent the break lounging in his ancestral compound outside Palermo, Billy put it on the line in the icy cold, proving to all why he is called "The Hot Lunch."

He was assisted by the team's resident senior heavyweights: Allan Barr, Nick Miller, and Torrey Liddell. It looked like these three obese boys had abandoned their teammates for sunnier, better looking conditions until they teamed up to score a try off a handoff from senior Hugh "Hank" Hill.

Said Hank afterwards, "I may be getting old and worn-out, but I still got my luck, whatever's that's worth, and she was certainly with me out there in that mess."

After defeating the Canadian menace, the ruggers were rewarded with a feast at the Yankee Smoke-House by the grateful citizens of New Hampshire. Over whole, spit-roasted pigs and piles of cooked meats, the ruggers compared their victory in the North to their previous international triumph two years prior in Jamaica. Not only did that tour allow the men of Bowdoin Rugby to beat Jamaican national teams like "The Jerk Chicken Men," the "Suicidal Cabbies," and "The Negril Raiders," but it also produced a trophy awarded specifically for international play.

The James Sawyer Memorial Trophy, portraying, for unknown reasons, a beagle squatting by a bus, was unanimously awarded to first year Tom Hazel. Not only did Hazel's early and accurate boots propel the team to victory, but also his excellent level of play amazed both friend and foe alike for its deftness and success.

Thus began the spring season, and the bodies began to pile up. Team after team fell to the god-like ruggers of Bowdoin.

Senior Shane O'Neill, the team ogre, appeared in one of these games. Using his massive cranium as a weapon, O'Neill did his tea-totaling father Rory proud and bludgeoned many a foe to death. Another senior to make an appearance was L.A.'s finest gang-banger, senior Chad Colton. After refusing to play for years due to recurring fears about ruining his future career at Vivid Videos with an injury, he finally got the blessing from his future-boss Peter North to participate. Colton immediately made his presence felt on the pitch, shooting through the opposition for repeated hits in the try zone.

Bowdoin concluded the season with a 75-0 spanking of Maine Maritime. The victory was delivered with aplomb and precision last Saturday.

There were startling performances by many. Legendary scrumhalf Matthew Stanton '02 returned to the pitch for one last day of glory. Cheered on from the sidelines by his fourteen wives, the Mormon patriarch betrayed a side of him not seen since his wild, sinful, and godless youth. His dashing and brutal play proved he could still be the "Man of Action."

Matching Stanton's power was senior Adam Corman. Raised by skunks in the swamps of the local toxic waste dump, Corman has developed a unique and lethal olfactory-assault strategy. Guaranteed to leave the opposition at the very least gasping for air (deaths are not uncommon), Corman's patented "Sack Attack" paralyzed the opposition.

Said senior Nathaniel "Crabs" Wolf, "Corman's odor is powerful. I think I'm tough, heck I don't wear cleats, let alone shoes during our matches, but I got nothing on the Sack Attack." Gagging opponents agreed with Crabs.

Despite the huge size of the Maritime pack (their average weight was around three hundred pounds), the forwards held their own. Senior Dave "Benedict" McDonald, Bowdoin's sharpest dressed man, provided key power in punching through their opposition, allowing the ruggers to walk all over their foes.

After the game, many of the Maritime players were so impressed by the prowess of the Bowdoin side that they immediately expressed their desire to join the team. Some might have been successful in that endeavor; the results are not expected in until next week.

Thus comes to an end another year of stunning successes for the boys in black. So next year, as Bowdoin continues its tradition of championship rugby, come on out and watch the team that always guarantees a win and a body count. Go Black!