Volume CXXXII, Number 4 October 4, 2002 f

Tuxedo doesn't suit Jackie
MONICA GUZMAN
COLUMNIST

Last weekend I, Mónica Guzmán, wanna-be film critic and lover of all that is artful and good, saw The Tuxedo, the Jackie Chan film. Why? Well, because it was either that or Reese Witherspoon's Sweet Home Alabama. And when you're stuck between cheesy action and cheesy chick flick, and you happen to be going with two guys, the choice is quite clear.

The important thing to note is that I didn't go to this expecting it to be any good. In fact, I expected it to be pretty bad. I came prepared. But even with that generous standard, I was still disappointed. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm just a picky filmgoer who only likes Best Pictures and doesn't know how to sit back and have fun. Boo-hoo.

But I really was just looking to have fun-honest. After all, when you know a film's got no artistic quality, entertainment's the only thing it has to go on. Thrills, chills, laughs-sure, they're fleeting without meaning to hold them up, but not entirely worthless.

The Tuxedo is Jackie Chan's usual ordinary-guy-turns-hero story of yore. Tong, James Tong, a New York City cab driver, is hired as chauffeur to Clark Devlin (), a Bondish secret agent working for the government, or something. When a car bomb puts Devlin out of service, Tong takes over his identity to find the bad guy, and in the process puts on Devlin's tuxedo, a body-invading high-tech fighting machine. So with that, he pairs up with , (Jennifer Love Hewitt?!) and stumbles his way to victory. There is more to this-something about a spring water CEO with aspirations of world domination, and then some killer water striders-but we don't need to get into that.

So why wasn't it fun? Well, because it was stupid.

First stupidity: sucky fight scenes in a Jackie Chan film. I mean, come on. You'd think they'd work a little harder with the choreography. Kicking butt in style is what this guy does best (and acting is what he does the worst). But here, the fight scenes are toned down and unusually lazy; they're downright cheap and we all know it. It's ridiculous. They interrupt the flow of the movie instead of keeping it going. You'd think a fighting tuxedo would be able to pull off something more exciting than clichéd Matrix wall-climbs; those just aren't fun anymore. And a car chase scene in New York City where the car is being chased by a skateboard? Come on now. Try just a little harder.

But this sin doesn't compare to the film's other grotesque error: casting Jennifer Love Hewitt as Jackie's leading lady. As if she weren't annoying enough as an actress, they had to put her in an action film. All she was good for was wearing those gorgeous and uncomfortable dresses spies have no business wearing. Is this some kind of sick joke? She's not funny, and she can't be intimidating. She's not even funny when she tries to be intimidating, so there's no redeeming value in casting her at all. Not to mention the fact that there was something almost like negative chemistry between her and Jackie Chan. At every moment they were together, I kept hoping that he would just smack her down and break into a rush of Chinese swears. Now that's entertainment.

I can't really go into plot and cinematography and score and all that, because, as I mentioned before, I know this film wasn't trying to make use of any of those things. But I will say that there was one part of this movie I actually did enjoy: the bloopers…my reward for sitting through mindless crap. So if you insist on having fun at The Tuxedo, go in, take your seat, sleep for an hour and a half, and tell your friends to wake you up at the credits.