Volume CXXXII, Number 5 October 18, 2002 f

On a quest for the perfect party song
MACAELA FLANAGAN
COLUMNIST

Fact: a party can only be successful if the music is fun. When people at a party are lame, you can simply avoid them. But when the music is lame, you are forced to listen to it, and, chances are, have some god-awful song reverberating in your head for the next twenty-four hours. There are many different types of parties, and many different types of music. My question: can there be a perfect song for a generic party (just so we're all on the same page, we'll narrow down the question of a perfect party to be the infamous Bowdoin campuswide)?

The Perfect Party Song must meet several standards. Firstly, and perhaps most importantly, it's got to be a little bit sexy. Not in-your-face sexy but subtle enough so that you start thinking "I'm looking hot tonight," before you realize the music is actually hypnotizing you to come to terms with your good-looking-ness. This does not imply that everyone at a party should be worrying about being gorgeous, it simply means that a good song makes you feel confident. And who doesn't go to a party to feel good? So, there are some songs that are voted off the list here because they either are A) too sexy, or B) not sexy enough. Songs falling under category A would be something along the lines of "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye; a great song, but just too sexy for a generic party. For category B think Phish: great band, but that whole sexy thing isn't their strong point.

The second bit of criteria: the Perfect Party Song must be fun. Call me shallow, but after a rigorous week of classes, it's nice to give your brain a rest. That said, I don't want to hear some heavy lyrics about some depressing topic. I want something, well, light. This is not the time for Rage Against the Machine. Again, while I respect any musician who addresses worldly concerns in their music, it doesn't always make for an easy-going Saturday night.

Standard number three is tricky, but very important. The Perfect Party Song must be catchy, but not annoyingly so. The Perfect Party Song does not discriminate: I don't care if you are Janet Jackson or Janet Reno, you should feel encouraged to dance to this song without making an ass of yourself. The beat, therefore, has to be danceable and lively. The trickiness comes in here-the song must make you want to dance, but not have a beat that is so blunt you feel like a robot. We'd have to skip "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails; great tune, but we want some variation in our movements tonight (not to mention that "Closer" was definitely crossed off the list when it violated the too sexy rule).

The hardest standard to meet is the song's ability to appeal to everyone. I'm an optimist, but I know for a fact that not everyone can like one song. But hey, this is my article and it is in the Opinion section, so I can pretend I know what people find appealing.

The Perfect Party Song cannot, I repeat CANNOT, be a fad. It must be timeless. I am not saying it has to be old, but if you think Shakira is going to be on this list you couldn't be more wrong. Also, it can't be dated. While I am sure everyone in the senior class has a special place in their heart for Prince's "Party Like it is 1999," it is now 2002. It just doesn't have that same zing anymore. In order for the Perfect Party Song to reach a large audience, one must lean away from their own guilty pleasures. That means I would not be allowed to break out the Neil Diamond. Yes, I actually enjoy him.

It is now time to tally the results. Let's lay out the typical Bowdoin campus wide….I recall lots of Brittney Spears. I am not even going to discuss why she is not on the list because if you think she has the Perfect Party Song, then writing this article was a waste of my time. "Like a Virgin" by Madonna, is a popular campus-wide number. This one actually adds up quite well; it's pretty close to being the Perfect Party Song, but it lacks a little something. Runners up include "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones and "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses.

After weighing the facts, and if you haven't guessed it by now, the Perfect Party Song undeniably has to be "You Shook Me All Night Long" by ACDC. Why? Well, it's sexy (but in a goofy sort of way, so it avoids being too sexy), it's a hell of a lot of fun to dance to, it has withstood the test of time, and I don't care if you're a Top 40-Tiger Beat-reading popster or if you own 400 obscure CDs and haven't listened to the radio in ten years: you all know the words; so go out shake it.