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Volume CXXXII, Number 11 |
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Die another day? How about today!
MONICA GUZMAN
COLUMNIST
Three cheers for long-lasting movie franchises. What can be more comforting than wallowing in the security of foolproof film formulas, confident that despite the changing times and the coming of new generations, some things never really change-but just get cooler? And so it is with Bond. James Bond.
This tuxedo-clad master spy, rider of cool cars and hot women, and general embodiment of all modern male fantasies has been kicking foreign butt for almost 40 years, showing no sign of quitting, aging, or-God forbid-committing. Oh yes, Bond fans, your addiction has brought about yet another Hollywood-provided fix. But this time, I'm afraid, you've got little to look forward to; Hollywood didn't bother to up the dosage.
When the words "kill," "die(s)," "tomorrow," "time," "never," "another," and "day" were picked out of the hat this time around, they formed the phrase Die Another Day. In this twentieth installment, Commander James Bond (the unbelievably sexy Pierce Brosnan) is after Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens), a British diamond connoisseur with vague ambitions of-who'd have thunk-world domination.
So, once James is back on the job after an inconveniently long hiatus in a Korean prison, and Graves is out throwing lavish parties, they do what they do best-they fight.
They fight while standing on top of a high-tech super-cool moving vehicle on the ground, while in a high-tech super-cool moving vehicle in the air, while inside two separate high-tech super-cool moving vehicles, and even when one is in a high-tech super-cool moving vehicle and the other is chasing him with a high-tech super-cool moving gun.
How's that for innovation? I mean, it almost feels new. For a while there, you think James might actually lose, and maybe even-dare I say it?-die. But in the end, wouldn't you know it, he wins. Yay for unpredictability.
Not only is the plot complex and suspenseful, but the film is also full of fascinating, deeply-developed characters. Halle Berry, for example, who won Best Actress last year for her amazing performance in Monster's Ball, plays James's whor-I mean, leading lady, Jinx.
Captivating and dazzling, she delivers such lines as "Ornithologist …what a mouthful," "I think I got the 'thrust' of it," and "Read this, bitch!" with such fluid grace and style that you almost think she's acting. It's amazing what an Oscar can do for your career.
And as for Pierce Brosnan, well, what can I say. Even when he's dirty, bloody, and shaggy, he's absolutely gorgeous, just like everything else in the film.
Harsh environments, tremendous physical stress, sweat, and the knowledge that they'll be running for their lives doesn't keep these characters from shining their shoes, straightening their ties, and fixing their hair.
It's part of the fantastical glamour of the Bond world, along with plenty of other ridiculous yet absolutely delightful mockeries of reality.
But in the end, this particular Bond film is meant to be seen, not heard. The cars, the gadgets, the settings, the explosions, and the women are all little bits of yummy eye candy.
Mmm mmm good. Ice palaces, Cuban islands, state-of-the-art computer-generated cliffs, invisible cars (sans manual, of course), Halle Berry emerging from the water in slow-motion….suck on that and you may not notice the horrendous screenplay, comparable in quality to last summer's Scooby Doo, but chock-full of pointless sexual innuendo and childish action punch lines.
This screenwriting nightmare only goes to show how little this film cares about upholding the reputation of the franchise that brought it to its miserable existence. I think it goes without saying that Bond fans will enjoy this film anyway-they're already used to it, and one bad seed probably won't ruin the lot of them.
But for those of you who aren't hopelessly hooked, it's better that you avoid this whole mess for now, and wait for the day when Bond returns in its true glory…if it ever comes.
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