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Volume CXXXII, Number 12 |
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That special "spark"
KARA OPPENHEIM
COLUMNIST
There were many things that I realized I had forgotten about Bowdoin while I was abroad. I forgot how wonderful Pat, who checks cards at Moulton is, I forgot how awful the parking situation is, and I forgot that at Bowdoin it is quite normal to overhear conversations that go something along the lines of: "Dude, she has a slammin' bod, I'd totally do her-but personality-wise she sucks. I can't believe anyone would date her." Likewise: "Oh my god, I have such a crush on him-I'd never hook up with him of course, but I totally want to go out with him." Moreover, that there are couples that have a great sex life and don't interact outside of that, as well as very intimate friendships that are, for all intents and purposes, a relationship without the hookups. After a brief glimpse into the real world, such seeming contradictions are suddenly brought to my attention. So for my first column this year, I would like to talk about THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF ATTRACTION.
As the college students with raging hormones that we are, the most obvious attraction is lust-pure, "I want you" lust, which is often referred to as sexual tension. Meghan doesn't know what to do about Jason: "I don't think he's particularly good-looking and I don't think I'd ever go out with him, but for some reason I am so physically attracted to him! I don't know why! Every time we're around each other we just flirt like crazy." Not that Jason is really ugly or isn't "cool" enough for Meghan, they just don't really have much to talk about except for the fact that they are attracted to each other. It's pretty obvious that before they graduate, these two are definitely going to hook up-in fact, I'm surprised it hasn't happened already.
I would like to commend Meghan for at least realizing that this kind of attraction does not constitute a relationship. It is unfortunate that at Bowdoin there are far too many people who do not have such insight. Lust is healthy and normal and may be satisfied by random hookups. However I cannot even try to list all of the "relationships" I know of that are based on sexual tension alone. The couples do not particularly care how each other feels (these are often those couples that don't acknowledge each other in the dining hall) and just enjoy falling into bed together when they're drunk, or taking cute pictures together before the Junior-Senior Ball. Lust is fleeting and should not be confused with any sort of meaningful connection.
Then there are some people who suffer from the Head Cheerleader + Football Captain = Prom Court syndrome. That is, they think that they "work" together for one reason or another. I guess this is some sort of attraction, in a twisted like-attracts-like or image-lust kind of way. Such people are not actually attracted to the mind or even the body of someone, but rather the way a guy or girl's image will complement their own. For example, I am pretty sure that Chip and Anne are together because they both wear pink pants with ribbon belts and look really good together sailing Chip's dad's sailboat from his summer house on MDI to her family compound in Nantucket. They get absolutely hammered every night before they go to bed because otherwise they would probably just lie there with nothing to say to each other. At least they can stand each other; they've been together almost a year and finally they are becoming friends.
There are lots of people who have friends of the opposite sex (or same sex if they happen to be gay) with whom they share a bond but there is no chemistry. Let me assure you, this is possible-although as I argued last year, it is also possible to be attracted to a friend and not have that affect the friendship, but that was another article all together. It's a shame that the ability to have great conversations with someone is frequently mistaken for a reason to start a relationship. This doesn't make that much sense to me-if a straight guy is lonely, he doesn't decide to become gay and date one of his roommates; if you are not attracted to someone, you should not try to be their boyfriend or girlfriend. Carrie explains, "I have so many guy friends whom I really care about but just, for whatever reason, do not want to go out with. I don't know why, but I guess it's that we don't have that special spark."
Which brings me to the conclusion that a relationship should be based on something special, something that makes both people inexplicably happier. It is not found between friendship and lust so much as it is found when some perfect combination, which may change with each person and each relationship, creates that spark. It is rare. This means that meaningful relationships may not be as plentiful as one would like to think, but this is okay! Be friends with people you care about but don't have any chemistry with, hook up with those you are really attracted to and sooner or later you will find someone you genuinely click with-you'll know when you do.
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