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Volume CXXXII, Number 15 |
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Valentine's Day love: a top ten list
J.P. BOX
COLUMNIST
As a Valentine's Day tribute, I present to you, the reader, what I would truly love to watch happen in the world of sports. For such a special occasion, a top ten list is in order.
#10-Content with his 800 victories in the college ranks, head coach Bobby Knight heads to the NBA as an assistant to Phil Jackson with the Los Angeles Lakers. After a lackluster performance by Shaquille O'Neal, Knight picks up a chair and throws it at the big man's feet. Shaq responds by tossing the chair right back at college basketball's biggest bully, making Knight cry all the way back to Texas Tech.
#9-The sports fans of Maine finally realize that NASCAR is not a sport or even a spectator event. In order to more aptly capture the essence of this silly pastime, NASCAR powers rename the racing circuit with the acronym PIATL, or "punch it and turn left." (Thank you Ryan).
#8-While we're on the Maine subject, let's turn our attention to the lovely Bowdoin campus. It's about time that men's varsity basketball team accepts the challenge of the intramural all-stars. You thought last night's women's hockey game between Bowdoin and Colby was an event to watch? Just wait until the intramural ballers take on the big boys.
#7-In the Western Conference Finals, I want to watch the Houston Rockets take on the Los Angeles Lakers in a series decided in the waning minutes of the seventh game. With the Lakers trailing by a single point and only three seconds left, Kobe pounds the ball into Shaq with Yao holding him on the block. At the buzzer, Shaq lofts a baby hook over Ming's out-stretched hand and scores the winning basket. Next year, however, the Rockets will sweep the Lakers and establish the Ming Dynasty.
#6-Before this epic game ever takes place, however, the Kobe Bryant-Michael Jordan comparisons will be dropped. First of all, no one will ever displace MJ as the game's greatest clutch player. Secondly, it's like asking if Batman is as much of a badass as Superman. In the end, does it really matter who saves the day?
#5-High school athletic associations from across the country step forward and apologize for their embarrassing treatment of phenom LeBron James. His entire season has been an endless string of investigations in which the star is constantly being cleared to play. Recently, referee Tony Celantano posed for cameras with James after a basketball game. As a result, the New Jersey chapter of the International Association of Approved Basketball Officials is investigating referee misconduct. Let the kid play without a circus-I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
#4-David Stern realizes that it would be counterproductive to fix the NBA Lottery so that New York gets the first pick. With Allan Houston and Latrell Sprewell under contract together for the next four years, the Knicks' backcourt is already too full. Big man Darko Milicic is a much better fit for a team without much of an inside presence. Thanks to Stern's keen realization, the Denver Nuggets win the LeBron James sweepstakes.
#3-Governor Mike Johanns of Nebraska successfully pushes through his proposed bill that would pay Cornhusker football players. Although his recent overture may be nothing more than a reelection plea in a state that loves football even more than Texas does, this governor's views on the amateur game are right on the money. Justifying the bill, Johanns said, "College football has become a multimillion-dollar industry that should do much better for its athletes." For those critics out there, you know he's right - college football has changed a little bit since Rudy's era.
#2-The U.S. government steps forward to thwart the New York Yankees attempt to win every single World Series for the next century. With a payroll approaching $170 million, George Steinbrenner has gone overboard. More disturbingly, he has stockpiled seven starting pitchers, including free agent signee Jose Contreras. Poor Joe Torre has a real problem on his hands! He has to choose five starters out of a pool of seven potential all stars. Remind me, why is he referred to as the game's best manager?
The only possible solution that would bring some equality to Major League Baseball would be for the U.S. government to bust up the Yankees and create two teams. Then they would have three or four all-star pitches apiece. Heck, one of those teams would still probably win the Series. Look what the D-Backs did with just two starters in 2001.
#1-However, we all know that "W" would never mettle with Major League Baseball (after all, that's a war he might lose). As a result, the Yankees will only get stronger before the season even begins. In a surprise Spring Training trade, the 28-year-old GM of the Red Sox, trades Nomar Garciaparra to the Yankees for three no-name Minor Leaguers and a bundle of cash. If the Yanks can get by with seven starting pitchers, why not have two shortstops?
To accommodate the crowded infield, Alfonso Soriano slides to third base, Derek Jeter graciously plays second, and Nomar becomes the starting shortstop of the America's best team. Can't you just imagine Steinbrenner cheering as Jeter and Nomar turn double-plays together? Ah, the headlines in Boston would be precious: "Nomore Nomaaar!"
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