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Volume CXXXII, Number 16 |
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Daredevil
MONICA GUZMAN
COLUMNIST
Call me crazy, but aren't superheroes supposed to be cool? Cause this Daredevil character is kind of a jerk.
I mean, he kills an acquitted rapist, but not the evil corporate mastermind behind dozens of deaths. He pretends to be blind when it's quite clear that his "superhuman" senses, or whatever the heck they are, make him just as capable as the next guy. And one more thing-he hits girls. That's how he flirts with them. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't think I would want this guy protecting justice, truth, and the American way. But it looks like Marvel's run out of cool superheroes to make movies about-Batman's already got two more movies on the way, and Spiderman's sequel is filming right now. But in the meantime, for lack of a better idea, they give us this guy.
Horribly conceived, written, cast, and filmed, Daredevil, this month's most hyped film is the first signpost on the road to Hollywood's "ordinary time," that period early in the year where all the bad movies frolic freely on our screens since the good movies are smart enough to wait until awards season and the summer movies are waiting for, well, summer. It's a sad time for film quality, but that doesn't mean there's no money in it.
After months and months of expensive trailers, magazine covers, and interviews, the cinematic snake oil salesmen behind the film's promotion got what they bargained for: $40 million on opening weekend-beating out last year's record. Sigh.
In Daredevil, Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck), a rich self-made lawyer from a tough neighborhood, is out saving the world in a maroon pantsuit driven by an anger sparked by his father's death. Sound familiar? Maybe like every other superhero? Well, get this: he gets his powers from a freak accident involving toxic chemicals. Take that, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The accident leaves Matt blind, but all his other senses are enhanced to such a degree that he can pretty much see anyway-through some radar sense thing that gives the special effects guys a field day. Cowabunga.
While he's out killing clients he couldn't defeat fairly in court, Matt meets his lovely leading lady, Elektra, played painfully by-the-book by TV star Jennifer Garner. As they play their little courting game, the big bad guy in the top floor of the corporate office, Fisk (Michael Clarke Duncan) smokes a big cigar and plots to kill her father. He enlists one of the kookiest villains I've ever seen-second only to Bee-Bop and Rock Steady-a frantic weirdo named Bullseye (Colin Farrell in his umpteenth role in the past few months). Without giving too much away, somewhere after the corny sex scene with the long, flowing hair, cutesie harp-plucking music, and a closing shot of a warm fireplace (vomit), something happens that makes Matt feel guilty and ashamed, but then spurs him on valiantly toward semi-victory.
In case you thought it couldn't get any worse than George Clooney as Batman, they give us Ben Affleck. Poor guy can't catch a break. Armageddon, Sum of All Fears…he's got shallow blockbusters up the wazoo. Where's the appeal? According to a junior high school girl sitting behind me, "he's got such a cute butt!" Enough said.
Affleck doesn't only play a real jerk; Daredevil, more so than the heroes that have come before, is also a pretty annoying showoff. Superman knew when to just leap from tall buildings and be done with it. This guy can't seem to do it without four double somersaults and Matrix-like whooshing noises. When Batman suited up, he didn't make a big show of it-just buckled in the suit and went on his way. Daredevil's got to swing his nun chucks around aimlessly a few times before he gets on to fighting crime. The X-men knew when to sit back, relax, and just act normal. But D-boy here likes to spend all his time standing on the corners of tall buildings, feet apart, looking pretty stupid. I half expected a pigeon to poop on his head.
But even this behavior pales in comparison to that of the hero's leading lady, Elektra. Isn't staying alive a bit more important than looking good, I ask? Take a tip from Tomb Raider, honey, and not all those bimbo Bond girls: tie your hair back. It might make duels to the death a little easier when you don't have to keep swishing your hair in slow-motion Pantene Pro-V style. I will give her character credit for at least being able to kick some butt-it's the twenty-first century, after all, and who wants another damsel-in-distress Lois Lane princess to have to drop everything for and go rescue over and over again. I'm sure that must have annoyed the hell out of Superman. But still, no amount of Sensei training can make someone catapult into the air and climb up walls the way this girl does. Leave that to Jackie Chan and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, where it looks cool, because clichés are never all that exciting, and these are among the most boring fight scenes I've ever seen.
Daredevil's got nothing new, exciting, interesting, or (hearty chuckle) enlightening to contribute to the superhero genre. Blankman was better than this, fellas.
So if you're thinking of skipping The Life of David Gale, Gods and Generals, or Chicago this weekend to go see Ben Affleck as an over-aged trick-or-treater and Jennifer Garner in a feature-length Revlon commercial, I have one thing to say: don't you dare.
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