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Volume CXXXII, Number 17 |
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In for the long haul
KARA OPPENHEIM
COLUMNIST
"When I graduated from high school," recounts Carrie, "I actually remember people telling me that when I got to college I should say I had a boyfriend from home, whether I did or not. Then, as soon as I found a guy I actually liked, I should 'break up' with my imaginary boyfriend so that the new guy and I could get together and live happily ever after. But as sick as it sounds, when I got to Bowdoin, I thought that maybe I should have listened-it seemed as though everyone got here with a boyfriend or girlfriend from home!"
While I certainly do not condone the advice given to Carrie, I do agree with her assessment that a large proportion of Bowdoin students are involved with non-Polar Bears. That is why this week I am examining LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS IN COLLEGE.
Chip and Ann have been together for years. As in, since eighth grade. When they talk about being married one day they are being completely serious-both of them. As far as they are concerned, the four years they have to drive five or six hours every other weekend are a tiny percentage of the lifetime they are going to spend together.
Ramona, on the other hand, tells the story of Nat, a guy who was hitting on her last weekend. "Don't you have a girlfriend?" she asked him. "Yeah, but I promise I'll break up with her really soon," he replied. And he wasn't joking. Nat and his girlfriend are a perfect example of a couple that should not be in a long distance relationship. No matter how in love they once were, if one of them could even think of breaking it off that easily then they are casualties of the miles that separate them. And as extreme as the case Ramona cites is, similar things occur all the time.
Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain. When you don't see someone every day, or even every week, you may begin to forget why you were so in love with them in the first place. This is not always the case, but when it becomes more of a chore or habit than a pleasure to call your boyfriend, you should begin to think about whether or not it is worth it.
Relationships where the couple is in the same place at the same time make sense for many reasons. First of all, they have things in common, things to talk about and jokes to share that have not been re-hashed every day over email since Christmas, when they last saw each other. The relationship can grow and change as both of the people do, rather than remaining stagnant and holding them back.
I am in no way recommending that make yourself miserable by breaking up with someone you really care about. I address this article to the guy who has been apart from his girlfriend longer than he has been with her and doesn't really know why they are together at all, except that she still calls him every night to complain about how much work she has. It is to the girl who secretly tells herself that if that guy in her anthro class asks her out, she will break up with her boyfriend at Harvard, but until then she really likes saying she has a boyfriend so she won't bother.
Even more so, I address the person who drives to visit their significant other every weekend to the point that they are depressed when they are at school because they just wish they were with them and not here. These are the people who need to re-prioritize.
Eve explains that she and Charlie were really in love when they got to college. "We were making ourselves so upset by being so far away that it ended up not being worth it. We broke up, which I think was the right thing to do. If we are meant to be together, we can get back together after college. But we would really have regretted it if we had ended up ruining our college experiences by stressing about this whole long distance thing. I have dated other people here, and if anything, they have made me more experienced and now I can appreciate what Charlie and I did have."
You would not break up with someone because you had to spend a weekend apart. Likewise, a semester abroad is a small percentage of a three-year college relationship and does not merit ending a relationship. But to spend four years apart of a relationship that will ultimately last for a total of 5 or 6 does not really seem to be worth it, especially when those four years could be happy ones. Wouldn't you rather enjoy your college experience?
Look, I am not saying long distance relationships are bad; in fact, some of the healthiest and happiest couples I know do not both go to the same school. But there are many people who are holding themselves back by using the "I have a boyfriend or girlfriend from home" excuse rather than putting themselves out there. I am very against relationships for convenience's sake. I am even more against people making themselves miserable and preventing themselves from enjoying college because they can only think about someone who is miles away and who they could break up with next week, thereby having wasted the best years of their lives…or just a few months of college…either way, there's a lot of fun out there to be had and if you feel like you are missing out, you probably are.
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