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Volume CXXXII, Number 23 |
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Girls control random hook-ups, guys dictate dating
KARA OPPENHEIM
COLUMNIST
I have a theory about the social scene at Bowdoin. It is that on any given night, a heterosexual girl can hook up if she wants to; a guy cannot. However, at any given time, a heterosexual guy can decide that he wants a relationship and find one. This is not a rule, and there are plenty of exceptions, but I find that in general, each gender has its own advantage as far as romance goes.
This hypothesis operates on the assumption that each side derives its power from the other's weaknesses. In such a case, girls are able to hook up whenever they want because guys always want to hook up; they just need to find a willing girl. Guys, therefore, are able to get into relationships because girls always want to find a boyfriend; they just need someone to offer to be him.
I certainly do not believe that either of these scenarios is always true. There are many guys who will not hook up with just any girl and not all girls are looking for a boyfriend, any boyfriend. In fact, I could write a whole column about how untrue the assumption is that all girls want to go out with every guy they hook up with. For the record, girls can hook up with guys and not have any intentions of it lasting further than that night. Beth explains that, "it was a great revelation for me when I realized that girls can act like 'guys' and use guys for one night. They can!" Long gone are the days of "a ring before spring" when all college women sought to be engaged before they graduated. Guys should not assume that if a girl does hit on them, that it means they want long-term, monogamous commitment.
Nonetheless, the case still remains that, for many Polar Bears, girls are in control on a night-by-night basis but guys have the final say in the big picture.
"It's just so easy for chicks," says Alex. "They have all these guys who want to hook up with them and all they have to do is choose. I mean, if they just tried a little bit with any of the dudes that talk to them on a given night, they could take at least one of them home."
While I think Alex might be simplifying the situation a little bit, he does have a point. Girls don't often realize how many of the guys they think they are "just talking to" would actually be more than willing to get with them.
On the other hand, girls are, on the whole, much more receptive, as a gender, to the idea of forging bonds that go deeper than one night. Of course, if a girl just isn't interested, then a guy can forget about it. But whereas many guys would be put off by an offer to go out with someone, girls are usually open to at least considering the possibility of something more serious. Guys seem to be oblivious to the fact that many of the girls they know, whether friend or acquaintance (and really, probably some girls they don't know either), would actually jump at the chance to date them, whether or not they'd admit it to anyone.
As with the majority of romance-related problems, the source of this problem lies in people's fear of taking risks. If girls got up the nerve to make a move when they want to hook up with someone, they would complain less about no guys being attracted to them. Similarly, guys who claim that they really are looking for something should take the initiative and ask a girl out. And if either girl or guy fails, they should not take it as an utter debasement of their self-worth. As my studies show, the odds are in their favor and if they keep trying (and honestly, no single person can claim that they would only hook up with or be willing to go out with only one person-no one, maybe, but if there's one, there have got to be more than that) they are bound to succeed sooner or later. I think people would be surprised to learn how datable and hook-up-worthy they actually are.
Yes, in an ideal world, all the people who want each other would be magically find each other and go get it on ("You've wanted him since your freshman fall, you think she has a great body-go!"); every couple that secretly really liked each other would be assigned their crush along with their courses for next semester. ("For the Fall 2003 semester, you will be taking American Political Parties, Macroeconomics, Myths of Africa, Astronomy, and you will go out with Jane Doe"). But nothing is perfect and as girls control random hookups and guys dominate the dating scene, everybody will want what they can't have.
And so, I conclude my column for the year as always: urging people to
get out there, take the initiative, and go after what they want. Get over
your fear of rejection; you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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