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Volume CXXXII, Number 23 |
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Do you remember your Ivies?
JASON LONG
HUMOR COLUMNIST
Unless you were trapped in one of the three-foot deep potholes by Moulton Union, you know this past weekend was Ivies. That much everyone knows. But, after talking to friends, it seems many people, though they know they had fun, don't remember a damned thing. Well, rest assured, you had fun. If you would like to get a feel for that gigantic "blank" you are drawing, please read on.
There was of course the concert in the Smith Union. I know, it was too bad. For $38,000 a year, the College should be able to control the weather. Anyway, the bands sounded good and you hung out there for like four minutes. You promised your friend Jackie you'd buy an Ivies t-shirt; don't forget to do that before Friday. There was a guy drawing caricatures, you waited in line for thirty minutes and then checked your mail.
Hopefully you got into Morrell Gym just in time to see "the girl." Her blood alcohol level was p. She, and you, were both in Morrell for the balloon games. You never did anything, but watched everyone else have fun for you. Your favorite moment was watching "the girl" joust on the balloon mat. She stuffed her giggling face into a semi-protective head-mask, and then got a grip on the gigantic blue rod used as a jousting stick. With that drunk-determined look in her glassed eyes, she staggered to the raised podium from which she would do battle. She fell down. Like a phoenix, she rose again to the podium, and like a Newton's apple she feel down again. By now everyone is laughing there respectively drunk asses off, but you still had hope for her. Then Bowdoin's finest, "the girl," made a final attempt at the podium. This time she successfully made it to the top and was standing. Her opponent, noticeably less inebriated, just waited. Much to the delight of everyone involved, "the girl" proceeded to hit herself in the head with the jousting stick and fell to the mat like a sack of vodka potatoes.
There were other fun-filled balloon opportunities in Morrell Gym. There was also a bouncy room, bet you can't guess what people did in there. And of course there was the crowd favorite balloon slide. Man, I'm telling you, it's just not Ivies without a balloon slide. Drunk minors crowd up the steep walkway, get to the top and peer down at the spinning gym floor. There was that one girl screaming, "I want someone to jump with me!" Then entered the drunk lacrosse player to push her off the top, and she bounced down the slide with her trusty Nalgene in hand. Then the lacrosse player ripped off his J-Crew shirt and attempted a summersault, although he ended up landing on his shoulder and telling everyone how "smashed" he was for the next 30 minutes. All the while everyone was hooting and laughing, and the slide attendant was wondering what she'll be having for supper. You were wondering what her number was.
Hey, talking about supper, wasn't the dining hall just extra special during Ivies? Come on, nothing increases your dining experience than drunk people chanting "Ivies, Ivies, Ivies." And who could digest a meal without seeing at least four people stumble and drop a tray of food, followed by a full standing ovation by the rest of the dining hall that lasts seven minutes? It's as traditional as the polar bear and pine tree.
So, that was your weekend...remember? My favorite Ivies weekend moment, if not tradition, happens on Monday. There is nothing more entertaining than reading the Student Digest that first morning after. People lose wallets, jewelry, clothes; sort of sounds like Las Vegas, doesn't it? Well, that's just the kind of viva loca stuff that happens beneath the pines each spring, when Bowdoin stops to smell the Ivy.
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