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Volume CXXXIII, Number 3 |
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A senior moment
KARA
OPPENHEIM
COLUMNIST
I have a theory about social hierarchies at Bowdoin. Freshmen girls start out on top-they're new, they're cute, they have no past to haunt them, and they haven't been drinking beer for four years. Freshmen boys, on the other hand, start out as eager, fresh-faced peons who arrive wide-eyed, innocent and without any awe-inspiring war stories. But as these boys up-grade from Coleman to Brunswick to the Tower or off-campus, they begin to acquire things like a nickname, a swagger, and a couple of girls they can say hate them.
By their senior year, Bowdoin men are on top with everyone from fresh meat to that girl they've had a crush on since Pre-O at their disposal. And where, you ask, does the Senior Girl find herself amidst this elevator of status? Let's just say she could lay herself down in the hole that will be the foundation of Kanbar Hall and still be higher up than the rest of her class. I would like to dedicate this week's column to THE PLIGHT OF THE SENIOR GIRL.
Poor Carrie is the paradigm of SeniorGirlitis. She began her Bowdoin career getting in trouble with the lacrosse and hockey captains and enjoying notoriety as one of a few who received phone calls from off-campus houses to invite her to parties that other freshmen didn't know about. Carrie was oh-so-cool. But now my pitiable friend finds herself in a wholly other situation; "As a freshman, I had four years of guys to choose from. Now it's like I can either get arrested for pedophilia or watch my guy friends be swamped by giggling little girls! I'm such a social outcast!" What sometimes strikes her most is that now, no one even remembers how sought-after she once was; all the big men on campus have graduated. Let us have a moment of silence to mourn Carrie's social life.
Another old spinster, Amy, who started off in a similar place, has completely forgone going out and prefers to sit at home and watch early Tom Cruise movies rather than subject herself to the torture of watching Appleton and Moore residents revel in the novelty of being young and hot. "I know it sounds silly," she confesses, "but I really think I understand now how Madonna feels as all these young popstars invade the music industry. Am I going to have to make out onstage with one of the rookies on my team to get any attention around here? Honestly, they were born after Risky Business came out!"
There are, in fact, some senior girls who do resort to such antics (perhaps not public tonsil-hockey, but at least dancing on tables and grinding with each other to get noticed at their own parties); and really, can you blame them? It's quite a blow to one's self-esteem to feel like an old maid at the ripe age of 22.
Of course, there are other options. Young Buck, for instance, was raised from first-year obscurity by a brazen senior girl. This was not your ordinary older woman; Buck was lucky enough to be picked out by a girl who was known by universal epithet for having the most fantastic body on campus. The big Buck hunter was not afraid to use her awe-inspiring status to dominate a cute little first-year, and let me tell you, he did things for this proverbial Stifler's mom that are anathema to anything he would ever do for a younger girl, considering the position he 2003-09-26ly holds on this campus. Another friend of mine, Will, dated senior girls in both his freshman and sophomore years. He found that senior girls could inspire both fear and admiration in the eyes of underclassmen, and what a turn-on it was!
Ramona, on the other hand, has chosen to undertake a mission for her senior year. She is going after all the guys in her class that she has wanted since her freshman year. This is a risky, but often quite worthwhile, endeavor. It has worked for many in the past and if executed well, can yield substantial rewards.
Finally, there are the senior girls who just say, "What the hell?" With a paltry nine months left beneath the pines, there is nothing to fear. Mae, a near and dear friend who recently graduated, explained to me her fourth-year m.o., "I just thought to myself, 'Why not? There's nothing I can do that will haunt me-no one in the real world cares what happens here; lots of people haven't even heard of Bowdoin!' My advice for single senior girls is to shamelessly take all you can. This is your last opportunity to get all you want!"
And so, to those girls who find themselves at the dawn of their Bowdoin
careers, I say, enjoy it while you can. And senior girls, do not let the
seeming paucity of eligible bachelors dissuade you from having fun-there
is not enough time between now and May for you to wreak all the havoc
you can. To paraphrase the back of the Class of '04 t-shirts, you're not
here for a long time, you're here for a good time!
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