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Volume CXXXIII, Number 5 |
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It's a family affair, so avoid awkwardness
at all costs
KARA
OPPENHEIM
COLUMNIST
Dina Byrnes (Blythe Danner): I had no idea you could milk a cat.
Greg Focker (Ben Stiller): Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.
Jack Byrnes (Robert DeNiro): I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?
There are some key moments in any Bowdoin relationship: the first date, the first kiss, the first sober kiss…Valentine's Day, birthdays, the Gala…but nothing sends chills down the spine quite like Parents Weekend. I admit it is quite nice that the ten percent of Bowdoin parents who do not live within a two-hour drive can see their children for the first time in six weeks, but whoever came up with such a plan really did not think of the stress this can put on romance beneath the Pines. Protocol is so ambiguous. So, this week I examine etiquette appropriate for those strange three days of the year when rooms are clean, the football team wins, and we MEET THE PARENTS.
Parents Weekend places no burden on one's sex life when a) a student is in a long and serious relationship and the couple has already met each other's parents or b) a student is decidedly single and hasn't so much as hooked up this year.
But what about Emily and Tyler, who have just started hooking up? It's been pretty consistent for a few weeks now although there might have only been one or two weeknight hang-outs. Em is afraid to bring up what will happen this weekend and Tyler is still in the stages where he can't say anything that would acknowledge the fact that they hook up. I can see it now…Emily is exiting the Polo store in Freeport just as Tyler and his parents walk by with two large Brooks Brothers bags. What to do?
First of all, what not to do: when two people who have neither discussed their status nor finally stopped dodging the questions of their status encounter parents, they must, at all costs, avoid awkwardness. They should not walk past the other person as if they have never seen him or her before, especially when they were in his or her room Thursday night. They should introduce each other as if they were friends ("Mom, Dad, this is Tyler;" "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Wellesley, MA. This is my dad, Mr. Class of '68 and my stepmother Tiffany." etc, etc). I mean, they are friends on some level. It is just not right to avoid someone when you know them that intimately. Moreover, if the relationship goes anywhere, it will make the conversation where Tyler accidentally admits he has a girlfriend much easier, as his dad might have some idea who he's talking about. Emily should not however say, "Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend, Tyler." It is absolutely not okay to call someone a boyfriend or a girlfriend for the first time in front of anyone's parents.
If two people have already established that they are in fact together, the first parent meeting should be mentioned before hand, even if it's just a quick and informal introduction on the sidelines of the field hockey game. The titles ("boyfriend" and "girlfriend") are certainly not necessary, but prep the parental units so that they do not say "Oh, hello Betsey, it's so nice to meet you. Brad's never mentioned you before. Now how do you two know each other?" Everyone has a different sort of relationship with their parents and no one can assume what has or has not been disclosed.
A couple that has been together since last year, for example, but still has not "met the parents" must be sure to make intros if either one's legal guardians are present this weekend. Tommy has a rule that he refuses to introduce girlfriends to his parents under any circumstances (Parents Weekend being no exception) until after six months; needless to say, none of his relationships have lasted that long.
A very sticky situation arises if a couple has recently broken up and this will be the first time the exes see each other's parents since. Then I'm assuming they have met before; should they have not yet made acquaintance, don't even go there. If the former flames are on speaking terms and/or do not have restraining orders prohibiting physical proximity, it is imperative that the laws of tact and common courtesy be adhered to. Stu and Sally Splitsville must at least smile and say something like "Hello, Mr. I-Broke-Your-Son's-Heart, it's so nice to see you. We're late for the step show or else I'd stay and talk. Have a nice weekend!" As illustrated, graceful exits are not only permitted but are actually encouraged.
I repeat: avoiding awkwardness is of the essence.
One advantage of the bubble being invaded by mothers, fathers, stepfathers and ex-stepmothers is that they keep people on their best behavior. Unless you are Nomar Garciaparra's son introducing your dad to Mr. Jeter, parents tend to have a calming effect on the campus. This is why I urge each Polar Bear to take the high road, be the bigger person, and take advantage of this one weekend when emotions are in check to be mature and do what you know is right. You'll have enough to worry about when Big Top closes by 3 p.m. due to a depleted supply of sandwich materials-trust me, it's happened before.
Jack Byrnes: I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying
to corrupt my first-born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring
you down to Chinatown!
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