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Volume CXXXIII, Number 7 |
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The first cut is the deepest
KARA OPPENHEIM
COLUMNIST
There's a great Cat Stevens song called "The First Cut Is The Deepest" that Sheryl Crow has covered and it's all over the radio right now. Cat's version is definitely better, but that's beside the point. The lyrics are about how you never forget your first love and hearing it a lot lately has been making me think about how much our 'firsts' affect everything after. There's no doubt that they do, somehow; so this week I decided to ponder THE IMPACT OF THE FIRST.
Carrie explains that her first real boyfriend broke her heart and ever since she then has been skeptical of men in general, not to mention love. "Having the first person you really care about hurt you, especially when you're seventeen, can really make an impression. Every guy I've dated since has definitely had to prove himself much more because of that first one."
Jamal's first girlfriend cheated on him, leaving such a scar that, as much as he enjoyed girls as friends, he couldn't bring himself to treat a girlfriend well. He doesn't often admit this, but he told me he doesn't think he'll ever trust a woman or treat her as well as he treats his mother and sister.
It's hard not to let the first impression of relationships, love, or sex be a lasting one. In some ways it's the lens through which we view all that follows. When Brad and his second girlfriend broke up, he confessed that he wasn't sure he'd ever given her a fair chance, but just the fact that it had felt different than his first love made him think it wasn't right.
There's almost a sort of feeling of possession that comes with a first love. Megan says "I still call him every year to see if he's going to be home for Thanksgiving." And Jackie has no problem saying that although she's been in love a few times and the later relationships were both longer than the first, "When I hear that one of the other guys I've dated seriously has a girlfriend, I'm happy to hear he's happy. But I still feel a twinge of jealousy when I hear that the first guy I ever really cared about is going out with someone. I know it's weird, but he was the first person I really loved and I can't forget that!"
When we think of someone as irreplaceable (because no one else will ever be our first love) it's very hard to think that we could somehow be replaced when he or she goes out with someone else-anyone and everyone else. And because a first love is new and like nothing we've ever experienced before, it is, in some ways, going to be the realest or the deepest, even if it's not with the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with.
Despite having officially broken up with her two years ago, and dating a few people since, Lance still tries constantly to get back together with his first love. They hook up whenever they see each other, regardless of whether either of them is going out with anyone else. And even though he claims they're not together, he knows he's never going to stop calling her.
I am absolutely against never trying anything new and I truly believe that we all have to move on, but there is something to be said for the impact of the first. There's no way around the fact that even if it's only because we know that the first time we felt a certain way was with someone, we will always feel differently about him or her. For that very same reason, every time we feel that way again it will, in some way or another, remind us of them. Everyone hates to admit it; we hate even more that the person we're with right now might feel the same way about their own first love!
So definitely do move on, and don't think that because you've said "I love you" to someone you'll mean it as much. I don't know the stats, but I'm pretty sure most people don't spend the rest of their life with their first love. However, I can't deny that Cat is right on some level, and every time I hear Sheryl singing it, I have to agree: the first cut is the deepest.
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