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Volume CXXXIII, Number 12 |
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Emotional support available for friends of troubled students
DR. BOB VILAS
CONTRIBUTOR
Jeff's friend, Alan, has been sleeping until early afternoon and hasn't been to class in several days. Beth's teammate, Jenny, has been skipping meals. Her body is visibly receding from thin to gaunt. Andy's roommate, Bruce, has been getting wasted several nights a week. Yesterday, Andy overheard part of a phone conversation during which Bruce commented, "Maybe it would be better if I weren't around anymore."
Fictional, but hardly far-fetched scenarios at Bowdoin or any college campus. For "witnesses" (students in intimate proximity to the emotional and behavioral difficulties of a peer), anxiety, frustration, confusion, and guilt are common byproducts that can become preoccupying companions.
Although increasingly prevalent, the distress experienced by witnesses is often suffered in silence and constitutes a barely acknowledged "elephant in the living room" of campus life.
The struggles of a fellow student tend to pull a witness toward one of two polarities: avoidance or care-taking. While avoidance can result in actual physical withdrawal from a troubled friend, more typically the relationship carries on but assumes a "walking on eggshells" quality, side-stepping discussion of "touchy" subjects. This strategy often evolves from a sense of discomfort: better to not open a box that one doesn't necessarily know how to close.
At the other end of the spectrum, care-taking mode involves a student or group of students "circling the wagons" around a troubled friend: monitoring behaviors, providing unlimited ad hoc peer counseling, and even taking over duties the student no longer seems capable of performing. Care-taking can also include "protecting" a friend from discovery by the "authorities," including deans and campus health professionals.
Difficult stuff, no doubt. But there is a real opportunity available if one can summon the wherewithal to neither avoid the issue nor take emotional and behavioral responsibility for someone else's problems. The opportunity is two-fold: 1) to help a troubled friend fully acknowledge, own, and address his or her issues, and 2) to stake claim to an authentic relationship that includes full acknowledgment of the friend's struggles and of one's genuine concern. A psychological fact: speaking truth promotes healing; avoiding truth promotes suffering.
Even though there is no exact blueprint for dealing with a troubled friend, there are useful principles to consider:
-Expressing one's genuine concern rarely, if ever, makes things worse. Students struggling with personal difficulties often feel locked in a vacuum of silence. Honest acknowledgment of concern is often a tremendous relief to everyone involved and provides a conduit for dealing openly with reality. In the words of the great philosopher, Woody Allen, "90 percent of life is just showing up."
-In expressing concern, use "I" messages (yes, just like they taught you in elementary school) and provide concrete examples of the behaviors you're concerned about (e.g. "I'm worried that you've been skipping meals and holing up alone in your room "). At the same time, it's wise to avoid clinical labels (e.g. anorexia, alcoholism) and "psychoanalytic" conjecturing.
-Don't expect immediate results or gratitude. Struggling individuals can often exhibit defensiveness and denial, especially in the case of substance abuse and eating-related conditions. If you meet with resistance, don't push too hard for now, but don't retract your stated concerns either. Seeds need time to grow, but they never grow if never planted.
-The Prime Directive: Don't Go It Alone. There are many competent, caring folks at Bowdoin (e.g. Residential Life staff, deans, health center and Counseling Service professionals) who can help you sort through your concerns about a peer. Absent imminent physical harm, it is not necessary to disclose the identity of the individual you are concerned about. At the Counseling Service, we consult regularly with students who are worried about friends. Usually, it's a tremendous relief for them to have a confidential space to lay everything on the table and formulate a plan that can shift the duty of care to appropriate resources such as Counseling.
While avoidance and care-taking strategies are often well-intended and may temporarily alleviate "witness anxiety," they ultimately work against real solutions. In the end, your honesty and willingness to seek support facilitate a much clearer pathway to a friend's well-being, not to mention your own.
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