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Volume CXXXIII, Number 14 |
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Valentine's Day top-ten lists
KARA OPPENHEIM
COLUMNIST
Top 10 things you should NOT give your Valentine:
10. Any stuffed animal-cheesier than Chester Cheetah.9. A key on a chain with a note that says, "This is the key to my heart." Cheesier than Hilary Duff in a vat of Velveeta.
8. Anything you bought at the Bookstore-thou shalt not charge thy gift to thine parents.
7. Lingerie in the wrong size-too big, you think she's fat; too small, she thinks she's fat.
6. A high-five.
5. Mono.
4. A calendar with a photo of the two of you for every month-what if you break up? More importantly, what if his friends see it?
3. A dozen red roses-not quite as bad as numbers 9 and 10, but let's be honest, this is such a safe bet it's like the Colby of Valentine's Day gifts. And we go to Bowdoin.
2. Turtledoves.
1. The cold shoulder.
Top 10 things you SHOULD give your Valentine:
10. A nice meal-good food and good memories are winners on the scale of the women's basketball team.9. Anything from L.L. Bean-you can't go wrong in there. Plus it can all be monogrammed!
8. A framed picture of the two of you, although this should be a last resort.
7. A CD or DVD you know he or she wanted or, even better...
6. A personalized mix-no need to write "I love you so much!" on it though. If you feel the need to, kindly return yourself to the sixth grade.
5. On that note, anything handmade-this is why your mother taught you to needlepoint.
4. Tickets to a sporting event or concert-DO NOT, however, buy Yankees-Red Sox tickets; anything that assumes you will be together in four months is a little presumptuous, don't you think?
3. A bottle of wine or good alcohol. This may not be from 7-11.
2. Jewelry-THAT YOU HAVE CONSULTED HER FRIENDS ON. I repeat, THAT YOU HAVE CONSULTED HER FRIENDS ON.
1. A kiss.
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