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Volume CXXXIII, Number 17 |
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Bowdoin scores on TV
IAN MORRISON
COLUMNIST
Last week Bowdoin students were transfixed in front of their television sets as they watched history in the making. Cheers of "Go U Bears!" echoed through the dormitory hallways; "Old Phi Chi" was chanted from the top of the Tower; everyone dressed up in black and white. Throughout the season, our competitors were gradually eliminated until now; all that stood between Bowdoin and our goal was one final obstacle: Matt.
Yes, I am talking about The Bachelorette and our very own Ian McKee '98. In case you are boring and have no life, let me remind you that Ian "put one in the back of the net," "went downtown," "hit a dinger," "drank from the jug of milk," etc.-i.e. Ian scored big on national television. As the big winner of the hit reality TV show, Ian can forever boast that he was not only chosen as the cutest out of 25 men (something only one in 25 men can claim), but also the winner of a reality show that didn't have him eat calf eyeballs. For those of us who've been stalking-err, watching-him, we have seen Ian grow into fruition as a true competitor and now a champion. What is more, he's one of us.
Let's be honest: watching The Bachelorette is like watching hockey, only warmer and with the gory replaced by the mushy. Like hockey, the tailgate parties begin mid-morning. This is when you crack open your first cold one and lay down your first prediction of what the day's outcome will be. Bets are placed. Fistfights break out. You grill hotdogs on a mini -grill.
By the time the show starts, everyone is liquored and full of dogs. Crowds pile onto couches and Lay-Z-Boys in front of tiny dorm TVs. It was amongst a scene like this that I realized just how much Ian's quest has transformed this campus over the past few weeks. Ian's path to victory has brought the often stand-offish and clich‚ student body together in a way that only a truly epic competition could.
While we congratulate Ian McKee on his success, we cannot help but wonder if his time spent at Bowdoin wasn't somehow crucial to that success. Indeed, the more I think about it, life at Bowdoin really is like being a contestant on The Bachelorette. The food is good. The Bachelorette does not require SAT scores. There are many jocks but only one cute girl. It is also interesting to note that succeeding on The Bachelorette requires no actual real-world skills, which is convenient for a Bowdoin graduate.
On a personal note, I add that Ian's victory made it a great day for Ians everywhere. It is comforting to know that men with unpronounceable names from equally unpronounceable colleges have a shot at success in something as important as reality TV. I was overjoyed to discover that on the night of his victory, students started a bonfire in honor of Ian. Every time a hooligan threw another bed frame into the fire and shouted "IAN!" my heart swelled with pride.
Even the administration has been enthusiastic about Ian McKee's success. The Bowdoin alumni association has been working the phones nonstop for the past week in an attempt to contact every living Ian alum. Fully aware of all the publicity that has befallen Bowdoin in the wake of Ian's great accomplishment, the school has plans to plant Bowdoin Ians in every major game show and reality TV show of the next year.
Look for Bowdoin Ians in the Real World, Fear Factor, and American Idol in the upcoming weeks. In addition, a crappy dorm will be erected in Ian's name, and an obscenely large bronze sculpture of Ian will be placed somewhere where it will disrupt traffic along Maine Street.
For information on sending a letter to the editor, please click here.
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