Dear Silent Majority,
Your correspondents were shocked that we could have erred as egregiously as you pointed out in your illuminating epistle to the editors. BMASV, Safe Space, Out Peers and Allies, SASSMM, Peer Health, V-Day, Speak, Sex 101 and the Vagina Monologues simply do not provide a large enough forum for the intellectual discourse that you so fervently desire.
Bowdoin does deserve a better sex column, one that points out the rampant risks and rare rewards of sex, so that innocent Bowdoin students won't be duped by our "overriding manifesto," stating that despite the risks and consequences, sex should be enjoyable. As every "highly intelligent, highly rational" Bowdoin student should know, sex is a highly rational and highly intelligent process.
Before swapping saliva, students should make sure that they have a thorough understanding not only of the emotional and philosophical ramifications of romance, but also of the chemical and biological processes involved. Potential sweethearts should employ the scientific method: hypothesize, experiment and conclude. Make sure to write down your methods carefully, accurately record your data, and watch those significant figures! Chaperones should supervise all romantic rendezvous to provide constructive criticism.
We were quite surprised to hear that our articles have provoked your genitalia as we had hoped that acting on our words rather than merely reading them would cause stimulation. But, you beseech us to engage your brain, and so we shall.
Perhaps next time you considering whispering sweet nothings to the object of your desire, entice them instead with a quick dissertation on Freud or a derivation of the Lagrangian for a two-body system. As your partner drifts off to sleep, you might awaken a dormant interest in somnophilia.
On the whole, the key to unlocking the intellectual potential of romantic encounters lies in the preparation: consider bringing a calculator, the Summa Theologica, or the periodic table of the elements to the bedside. The "silent majority" demands substance and practicality. For substance, read the Kama Sutra. For practicality, try employing it.
All joking aside, we understand that dispensing sexual knowledge through a five hundred-word biweekly column cannot do justice to the subject. We claim neither "sexual expertise" nor "sexual prowess," but choose to relate admittedly light-hearted musings on an important subject.
Again, we would emphasize that sex comes with serious risks and consequences, but as we believe that other campus organizations provide the opportunity for "frank sexual discussion in the college square," we have chosen to highlight the aspect of sex that so often gets left behind in public discourse: the upside.
Sex is different for every person every time; we can neither hope to address each of the possible myriad perspectives, nor engage in a frank discussion with an admittedly silent faction.
In conclusion, please return your seat to the upright positions, secure your carry-on baggage, and remember to fasten your seatbelt as we prepare for our final descent. Thank you for flying with Mile High Airlines.
Hook-up Spot Review: Alone in Your Room. Go there and think about what you've done.
Comments
Questions or suggestions concerning comments? E-mail orient@bowdoin.edu with the subject line "Comments."